He wants me one day and ig­nores me the next

The Star Malaysia - Star2 - - Starsearch -

IT is dif­fi­cult for me to write this, but I am feel­ing re­ally down and I need some ad­vice, Thelma. I have been cry­ing for the past few weeks be­cause of the sit­u­a­tion I’m in.

I am a 28-year-old woman and my prob­lems started a few months ago. I have had feel­ings for this guy for many years but have only ad­mired him from afar. One day, he texted me. He said I looked beau­ti­ful and he wanted pho­tos of me.

I was shocked be­cause all this while, I didn’t even think he was aware of me. He is friends with my rel­a­tives and has even dated one of my cousins. They are good-look­ing and he al­ways tells them that they could be in beauty pageants or be­come mod­els be­cause of the sexy way they dress.

Af­ter feel­ing in­vis­i­ble for many years, I de­cided that I wanted some at­ten­tion. I started to dress like my cousins. That was the day he texted me. Then he went quiet for a while.

We go to a com­mu­nity cen­tre once a week for ac­tiv­i­ties. On one of those days, he was also there and sig­nalled to me to meet him out­side the hall. We went to the stair­well and he asked if he could hug me. I said yes. When he did, he com­pli­mented me about smelling good. He started fondling me and kiss­ing me all over.

But then he stopped and said he was sorry. He texted me later to say he would never do it again. He said he was fac­ing pres­sure at work and needed to find re­lease. He also said he felt lonely, so I told him to for­get what hap­pened. He asked me not to tell my friends and rel­a­tives as he was afraid about what they might think.

A few weeks af­ter that, we were again at the com­mu­nity cen­tre and he asked to see me again. I went with him to the stair­well and he started kiss­ing me and pulling at my skirt. Then he pulled down my blouse and groped me. He touched me in­ti­mately. Again, he stopped sud­denly and said he shouldn’t be do­ing th­ese things with me. I em­braced him but he pushed me away and asked me to leave. Then he texted me to say that he has no feel­ings for me and that he only saw me as his younger sis­ter. He told me not to tell any­one what had hap­pened.

That evening, he texted me to ask if we could do a video call. At first, I re­fused. But he per­sisted and I even­tu­ally re­lented.

He asked me to take off my blouse, and I agreed to do it. This went on for a few months. One day, he showed me his gen­i­tals and we had phone sex.

I feel so sad be­cause as some­one who be­lieves in God, I know we shouldn’t be do­ing this but I love him so much.

A week af­ter that, he started to ig­nore me. When I was with my cousins, he would speak to them but not to me. When I called him, he would an­swer the phone and say he was busy. But I’ve seen pic­tures of him on so­cial me­dia with other women at lunch, hav­ing fun and play­ing games.

I called and asked him why he was avoid­ing me. He said he was try­ing to dis­tance him­self from a few peo­ple and wanted to start over. He asked me to do the same. I then con­fessed to him that I had been in love with him since I was a teenager and I didn’t mind wait­ing for him. He said he had a new job and would be trav­el­ling a lot and he didn’t want to be in any re­la­tion­ship.

I told my cousin about ev­ery­thing that had hap­pened be­tween us but she re­fused to be­lieve that he was that kind of man. She said guys don’t like be­ing pushed into mar­riage and ad­vised me to wait, be friends with him and maybe he would fall for me.

Thelma, I can’t help it, I still love him and want to be his wife. I know I have to move on since he doesn’t want to be in a re­la­tion­ship, although I have seen other girls try­ing to get close to him.

I am tired of cry­ing. It is wor­ry­ing my par­ents. The most dif­fi­cult part is see­ing him at the com­mu­nity cen­tre ev­ery week and how friendly he is with other women. I’m deeply hurt.

Tor­mented

My dear, brace your­self be­cause I’m go­ing to sum­marise the im­por­tant points and it’s not pretty. He said he has no feel­ing for you, he doesn’t want to be in a re­la­tion­ship but he’s happy to use you for grop­ing and phone sex. Th­ese are not the ac­tions of a nice man. He is us­ing you.

Put away the tis­sues, be­cause he’s not worth your tears. Now, let’s have a chat about what you want. You’re look­ing for a re­la­tion­ship that has mean­ing and value, right? And you en­joy the phys­i­cal side of things, so you want pas­sion as well.

Those are very nor­mal things to long for and that’s great news be­cause there are loads of men out there who are look­ing for ex­actly that kind of re­la­tion­ship.

So, how will you find the man for you? The first thing is to ig­nore your cousin’s ad­vice. There is no rea­son why any woman should put up be­ing treated like a dirty se­cret. Also, to dis­miss you as a liar is not a pretty act, ei­ther.

Ig­nor­ing that cousin, be prac­ti­cal and sen­si­ble. Start with putting to­gether a clear idea of what sort of per­son you want in your life. Clearly, you want some­one who is hon­est, up­front about his in­ten­tions and proud to have you in his life. That’s not ne­go­tiable.

But what about his other qual­i­ties? Imag­ine your ideal mar­riage. Do you see kids? Pets? A quiet home life or an ac­tive so­cial one? Which of your hob­bies must he share? What are your deal break­ers?

Build up a rea­son­able idea of what kind of per­son would suit you, and then get your par­ents, friends and fam­ily to start in­tro­duc­ing you to men who they think will be fun dates with po­ten­tial.

This is im­por­tant: Many men find dat­ing an ab­so­lute night­mare, so be kind, fair and open. Pay your share of the costs, and if you’re set up with a date you know is go­ing nowhere, tell him gen­tly that it was lovely to meet him, but that you don’t suit.

Look, dat­ing is a tough gig, es­pe­cially when you’re no longer a giddy teen. At your age, re­la­tion­ships tend to be more se­ri­ous and any dif­fi­cul­ties hit harder. So be sure you get a bit of sup­port. En­list your mum if you get along, a favourite friend or aunt, and lean in.

Also, I strongly sug­gest you stay away from phone and video sex. While th­ese acts are the mod­ern ver­sion of the love let­ter, they are hor­ri­bly li­able to be­ing shared pub­licly by ac­ci­dent or on pur­pose.

Do write again and let me know how you’re do­ing. I’m look­ing for­ward to hear­ing you’re meet­ing up with lots of lovely po­ten­tial life part­ners.

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