He made me feel spe­cial but flirted with ev­ery­one

The Star Malaysia - Star2 - - Opinion -

I am a 23-year-old girl who has fin­ished med­i­cal school, and cur­rently do­ing my in­tern­ship. I started in­tern­ship 10 months back with no ex­pec­ta­tions about work or peo­ple.

It was my first post­ing. We were a unit con­sist­ing of pro­fes­sors, as­so­ciates, as­sis­tant pro­fes­sors, post­grad­u­ates and in­terns. My post­grad­u­ates were two men. One of them seemed very quiet and com­pletely ig­nored my ex­is­tence and never asked me to do any work. That’s prob­a­bly be­cause he thought I was dis­in­ter­ested and maybe be­cause I was ex­tremely fat and unattrac­tive (I still am).

So he ig­nored me week af­ter week and didn’t al­low me to do any work. This ir­ri­tated me be­cause I wanted to learn and he wasn’t giv­ing me an op­por­tu­nity to learn. My co-in­terns (who are girls) would get all the work.

How­ever, I was at­tracted to him be­cause he was cute. But I felt he was a mis­fit in the med­i­cal pro­fes­sion be­cause he was very cold and rude. How­ever, as time passed, I saw his good side. I saw how he did his job very well and how he was ex­tremely car­ing to­wards the pa­tients.

I was even more at­tracted to him and felt bad for judg­ing him. How­ever, I never did any­thing about my feel­ings.

I started work­ing hard be­cause I didn’t want to give him an op­por­tu­nity to yell at me or de­mean me for mak­ing mis­takes. He no­ticed that I was get­ting bet­ter at my work and started speak­ing to me.

One day, he was sit­ting alone at the hos­pi­tal can­teen eat­ing break­fast. I had fin­ished eat­ing but went to sit with him un­til he fin­ished. From that day, things changed. He started teas­ing me and giv­ing me his at­ten­tion.

That kind of be­hav­iour pro­gressed to teas­ing me at ev­ery given op­por­tu­nity he would get. He would call my name a hun­dred times a day. He would touch me while as­sist­ing in surg­eries. He was kind. He would speak to me in our lo­cal lan­guage and not English.

I was al­ready at­tracted to him and re­spected and ad­mired him for his hard work and car­ing na­ture to­wards pa­tients. So when he started giv­ing me all his at­ten­tion, I en­joyed it and liked him even more. I thought of him as an in­tro­verted per­son who had a hard time talk­ing to peo­ple and he was open­ing up to me. I was fall­ing in love with him.

My co-in­terns won­dered why he kept teas­ing me and gave me all the work and they came to the con­clu­sion that he liked me.

I thought he liked me too but was hav­ing a hard time ex­press­ing it so I would al­ways stay quiet when he teased me.

Then, my post­ing at that depart­ment came to an end. I was leav­ing for an­other depart­ment and he took us in­terns out for an end-of-post­ing treat.

He was very quiet and didn’t speak much dur­ing that din­ner. I spoke a lot be­cause I wanted him to know that I liked him. Not sure if he re­alised that.

Af­ter I left, I learnt that this guy was the big­gest flirt on the face of this Earth and he was do­ing the same thing with his new in­tern. I learnt that he flirted with all the nurses, stu­dents and in­terns.

This shat­tered me and I stopped speak­ing to him when­ever I bumped into him in the hos­pi­tal. He tried talk­ing to me but I told him that I didn’t want to speak to him be­cause he used his in­terns to get work done and was nice to them only be­cause they had to work for him. I also said an­other rea­son was that I was a form of en­ter­tain­ment to him. He said that he has never been so close to any­one and has never teased any­one other than me. He also said that if that was what I thought of him, then he should stop talk­ing to me and said good bye.

Since then, we haven’t spo­ken to each other and he kept flirt­ing with all his in­terns. He re­cently told his in­tern about how he lost his vir­gin­ity to his ex and how she re­minds him of her. He said the same thing to his next in­tern but this time told her that he re­ally liked her.

For the past 10 months, I have been cry­ing al­most ev­ery day, not be­ing able to for­get him nor fill the void that’s been cre­ated with his ab­sence in my life. I miss him. I like him de­spite know­ing how he is. I have ne­glected ev­ery as­pect of my life like my health, my stud­ies and fam­ily be­cause I want him more than any­thing.

I am not able to un­der­stand why he did what he did to me. Why did he not like me fur­ther? Was it be­cause I was fat and ugly? Why? I am not happy. I am lost and un­cer­tain of what I would do if I were never able to see him again. What should I do? Why did he flirt with me and not my co-in­terns who are beau­ti­ful? Did he ever like me even for a mo­ment? Does he know that I like him? I want an­swers for all this. I miss him. I re­ally need your help Thelma.

Yours faith­fully The heart­bro­ken girl

Your doc­tor has dis­cov­ered that be­ing sur­rounded by ador­ing staff is very use­ful to him. With just a bit of flirt­ing and at­ten­tion, he has you all run­ning around, des­per­ate to please him. And woe be­tide those who don’t fall un­der his spell! To them, he’s cold and rude.

I’m sure he’s thor­oughly en­joy­ing his po­si­tion as king of the cas­tle but it’s nei­ther kind nor eth­i­cal. He is abus­ing his author­ity and hurt­ing the peo­ple who work in his team.

Also, I don’t like that sex dis­cus­sion. It is to­tally in­ap­pro­pri­ate in the work­place.

I can’t tell from your letter whether he un­der­stands the con­se­quences of his be­hav­iour but the fact that he’s do­ing it is a prob­lem. He’s ei­ther cold and ma­nip­u­la­tive or not bright enough to see how wrong his be­hav­iour is. Nei­ther re­flects well on him, does it?

I’m very sorry you are hurt but my dear, this man isn’t worth your tears. Don’t waste your time on him; in­vest it in you.

From your letter, you have a very poor opin­ion of your­self. You dis­par­age your ap­pear­ance and sug­gest that you aren’t mea­sur­ing up to your col­leagues.

Where on earth is this com­ing from? You are suc­ceed­ing in your stud­ies and in your train­ing. Not only are you per­fectly ca­pa­ble but from your letter, you are in­tel­li­gent, kind, thought­ful, mod­est and for­giv­ing. What’s not to love?

Go and see a therapist as soon as you can and start build­ing up your self-es­teem.

Also, you say you were ir­ri­tated be­cause be­ing shy meant you were al­most de­nied an op­por­tu­nity to learn. It may be your lack of self-es­teem that is to blame but you could prob­a­bly do with a lit­tle self-as­sertive­ness coach­ing as well.

Fi­nally, those feel­ings of sad­ness and hope­less­ness are typ­i­cal of de­pres­sion. When you con­sult your men­tal health pro­fes­sional, have your­self as­sessed. And re­mem­ber, you can in­flu­ence and change your feel­ings, so know there’s hope for good change, okay?

With a lit­tle bit of help, you’re go­ing to be much more con­fi­dent and that will help you reach out for the love you de­serve. Pick a de­cent man who doesn’t play mind games and be happy.

Is some­thing both­er­ing you? Do you need a lis­ten­ing ear or a shoul­der to lean on? Thelma is here to help.

E-mail [email protected]­tar.com.my or write to Dear Thelma, c/o StarLifestyle, Me­nara Star, 15, Jalan 16/11, 46350 Pe­tal­ing Jaya, Se­lan­gor.

Please in­clude your full name and ad­dress, and a pseu­do­nym. No pri­vate cor­re­spon­dence will be en­ter­tained. The Star does not give any war­ranty on ac­cu­racy, com­plete­ness, use­ful­ness, fit­ness for any par­tic­u­lar pur­pose or other as­sur­ances as to the opin­ions and views ex­pressed in this col­umn. The Star dis­claims all re­spon­si­bil­ity for any losses suf­fered di­rectly or indi­rectly aris­ing from re­liance on such opin­ions and views.

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