When it’s time to get the message
Ghosting is bad. reaching out a million times is worse, says an online dating consultant.
I HAVE a male client with a very bad pattern. We’ll call it a “ghosted pattern.” He reaches out to a woman after a date that he thinks went well to ask her out again. She doesn’t respond. Silence. Crickets. He gets ghosted over and over again.
For the women in this scenario, I can’t encourage you enough to use a tactful yet firm, “I’m no longer interested, but I wish you all the best” or “I didn’t feel the connection I was looking for and wish you nothing but the best.”
Sadly, not everyone has the courage to do this. (They rationalise, “I’m sparing the other person’s feelings.” They know this is a load of you-know-what.)
While most of us can see from the outside that she’s obviously not interested in seeing him again – hence the ghosting – some people just don’t get it ... or don’t want to get it. It’s a silent rejection. That, in itself, is not where it ends.
In this scenario, when she doesn’t answer, my client writes again. She doesn’t answer again, and he writes again ... rinse and repeat. He doesn’t hear a definitive “no,” so he assumes a “maybe”. I have tried time and time again to get this client to stop sending messages after a non-response (or two).
She got the message and made the deliberate choice not to reply. Yes, deliberate. She got the text, looked at it, read it, and decided either not to reply or to delete it. Is that what I’d recommend that she does? No. But when it happens, he needs to learn to let it go.
The reality of it is that not everyone is capable or comfortable (they lack courage, confrontation skills, etc.) to reject someone tactfully and honestly, unfortunately.
If someone doesn’t give you the courtesy of doing that, then you have to take her non-response as a proxy for rejection. While it doesn’t give you the closure you need, it’s still a firm “no”, and take it as such.
After nothing seemed to be getting through to this client in terms of my strongly advising him that writing again and again is unequivocally the wrong choice, I changed my strategy.
I said this: Rather than wanting her more when she doesn’t reply, I want you to go through this thought process instead: Do you really want to be with someone who can’t express herself? Someone who can’t write a simple “I’m not interested” text?
Someone who can’t be both confident and courteous enough to say “stop writing to me?” If someone can’t even give you the “no” after one date, imagine how a life would be with this person.
I went on to say this: Where I’m asking you to change is to stop writing to women who don’t get back to you. They’ve made it abundantly clear that they don’t want to communicate or see you again.
The only communication I’d like you to use after a non-response is a “closure” type of message from you to them saying, “I’m disappointed I never heard back from you. I was looking forward to getting to know you. All the best.” And that will serve as the “no” you need to hear.
I’ve personally used messages like that before with men who have ghosted me (and there have been plenty – you’re not unique in that way). It’s something that allows me (and, in this case, you) to be the bigger person and have the last word, essentially saying, “I’m better than being ignored.” (Plus, I can’t lie that it makes them feel a bit guilty, as it should.)
Please notice the difference between this note and the ones you’re sending. In yours, you keep trying for something you know deep down is off the table, even if you argue that the door may still be open. In this one, you’re confident and expressive ... and know how to end something. She has already closed the door. You just need to lock it.
Rather than defending your patterns of behaviour that are clearly not working, or sharing with me why you do what you do, it’s time to change that pattern, and this is the perfect opportunity to do it.
Stop writing to someone who’s ghosted you once and for all – she’s not worth it. – Tribune News Service Erika Ettin is the founder of A Little Nudge, where she helps others navigate the often intimidating world of online dating.