Negativity only hurts you
Don’t get caught up in your emotions – send them down the river.
GROWING up in Scotland, one of the regular rituals was watching football every weekend and getting swept up in the emotion of it all. Looking back, it was the perfect environment to see the mind in action and just how easily manipulated it is.
Every football fan knows that a foul on their player is always done on purpose. On the other hand, when their player commits a foul on an opponent, the fan immediately waves away the obvious accident.
What always fascinated me was watching football fans on television, particularly at the end of the season when their team got relegated. One minute, they’d be sobbing wholeheartedly at the reality of their team’s demise. The next moment – when the cameras showed their heartache on the big screens – they’d be elated at their 10 seconds of fame, breaking into big smiles, dancing and waving to everyone watching.
The mind is a curious thing. It sends us in all kinds of emotional directions at the slightest sound, sight, thought or memory. It’s understandable, then, that many people find it difficult to avoid getting caught up in what they’re feeling.
I remember a story told by Ajahn Nyanadhammo, a Buddhist monk who was a disciple of the late Thai Buddhist forest monastery master Ajahn Chah. One day during the alms round (when monastics walk into the village to have food offered to them), Ajahn Nyanadhammo was walking alongside a monk who wouldn’t stop complaining about the heat, the food, and several other gripes.
To avoid the monk’s complaints, Ajahn Nyanadhammo walked on ahead, complaining in his own mind: “He’s supposed to be a Buddhist monk, he shouldn’t be complaining, he should be grateful and remember the teachings he’s supposed to follow.”
On and on his own mind went, until the next morning when he met Ajahn Chah, who beamed at him and said, “Good morning, would you like a cup of tea?” Ajahn Chah had recently returned from his branch monastery in England and had picked up this favourite question of Brits’.
Ajahn Nyanadhammo’s mind leapt with joy.
Not only was the revered master offering a cup of tea, he was asking the question in English.
How special the young disciple felt in that moment. All thought of the complaining monk went out of his mind. That evening, Ajahn Nyanadhammo was tending to Ajahn Chah alone, describing how he could hear his fellow monastics chanting as he enjoyed the cool breeze on such a peaceful evening. He felt like he was in heaven.
As a gift to Ajahn Chah for his kindness, Ajahn Nyanadhammo decided to massage his feet. He was swept up in the bliss of the moment until, suddenly, he was brought back to earth with a thud when the abbot kicked him in the chest, pushing him to the ground. “See,” said Ajahn Chah, “one monk says something you don’t like and you grumble on and on, and another monk says, ‘Good morning’ and you’re delighted all day. Do not get lost in the words of others. Watch your own mind.”
Whether it’s elation or joy, sadness or despair, we can so quickly be changed by our emotions or hold grudges for years on the back of a single argument or disagreement. Ultimately, we’re the ones who suffer, especially when we cling to unpleasant emotions such as anger or frustration.
If you’re someone who struggles with letting go, there’s a brief meditation exercise that can help lessen the grip of unpleasant thoughts and emotions and it takes about five minutes.
The exercise is called “Leaves on a Stream” and here’s how it’s done: Sit comfortably with your eyes closed and imagine a stream in front of you, flowing off to your right. As you get that image of the stream in your mind, feel the rise and fall of each breath as it comes and goes.
On the stream, leaves occasionally float by. When one comes into your vision, take the emotion (“anger”, perhaps) or thought (“I can’t believe he did that!”), put it on the leaf and watch it float away as you continue to feel the rise and fall of the breath.
You can do this for each thought or feeling that arises for about five to 10 minutes. Some of the leaves might get stuck for a second or two and that’s OK – just keep watching the flow of the stream and they’ll soon become unstuck and disappear like the rest.
This exercise sounds simple but it’s very effective as a daily practice in training the mind to let go of unnecessary thoughts and feelings and to learn to be more in the present, which helps reduce excessive thinking and the suffering that comes with it.
At the best of times, like those football fans, swinging from one emotion to another can be exhausting; other times, it can significantly affect our relationships with others.
The good news is that we have control over what the mind throws up. We can either hold onto the feelings or thoughts like a hot lump of coal and burn ourselves, or send them off floating down the stream, out of sight and out of mind.
Sandy Clarke has long held an interest in emotions, mental health, mindfulness and meditation. He believes the more we understand ourselves and each other, the better societies we can create. If you have any questions or comments, email lifestyle@thestar.com.my. The views expressed here are entirely the writer’s own.