She left me again and again, but I just couldn’t give up

I’VE been with this girl for four years now.

Throughout our years together, apart from having the occasional quarrel like any other normal couple, we were quite good together.

We lived together after dating for six months, and we bought a new house together. I knew it was a mistake.

However, she occasionally felt “lost” and would request to move out to be alone. Usually, this would be just a “false alarm” as she ends up staying on and not moving out.

But of course each time after such a threat, I would get hurt very badly and beg her to stay.

Two years ago, when I thought she had settled into the relationship, I proposed to her.

She said yes. So, we had our wedding photo shoot but we never proceeded to register our marriage. It was because she wasn’t sure if marrying me was the life she wanted.

She needed to be alone again to figure this out. So our marriage was put on hold and we just acted like nothing happened.

A year ago, I found out through her mobile phone that she cheated on me. I wasn’t sure to what extent she had cheated (or just flirting), but she was trying to be together with a guy but he rejected her.

We got into a huge fight and got hurt, but I suppressed my emotion and forgave her because I love her. She apologised to me, too, telling me that she was just confused at that time. We went back to our norm, as per usual.

The thorn was already in my heart, but I was confident I could bear it because I treasured this relationship so much. I had confidence that we would overcome this test together.

A few months later, while I was still recovering from the heartbreak, she said she wanted to move out to be on her own, again – for the fifth time.

At that point of time, I couldn’t take it anymore, so I finally agreed.

We both moved out of our rented house. The process of moving out was a heartbreaking one, as I remembered all our good moments together.

We stayed away from each other for about a year.

We still kept in touch because I believed that we would be fine one day.

We had been through so much together and I knew this would not break us apart. I still visit her on and off, taking her out for dinner and movies.

Things looked better when we went shopping for furniture for our new house. I suggested that she move into the new house first while I rented a place outside, as we both needed time before we were ready to move in together again.

Eventually she moved in, and I visited her in our new house. I was glad and I thanked god for allowing us to still be together after our separation, and things looked like they were falling back into place once again.

I still remember our anniversary together and I bought her a gift for Valentine’s Day, but she didn’t look really happy to receive it.

Recently, she texted me, saying she can’t feel the same for me like she used to.

She wanted to move out again, and she wanted me to have the house. She told me she had tried but felt something was missing.

She didn’t want to waste my time anymore because things would just repeat in this vicious cycle.

I’m sinking into darkness again. I guess although I had decided to move on and leave our bad memories behind us, she couldn’t commit in the same way.

How do I overcome this heartbreak?

It’s going to be very difficult for me and our families, because I

know her family very well and vice versa. Things won’t be the same anymore from now on.

TK

The answer is very clear to me but telling you what I think probably won’t be useful as I’m sure you have plenty of people stating their opinions already.

So, let me share an exercise with you. Usually, we’re pretty good at advising others but we’re not so good at seeing our own issues. The reason is that we’re too close to our own problems.

This is how you get perspective: take all the elements of your story, and then tell it as a story happening to other people. When you’ve told it, advise the main character (you!).

In your case, it would go like this. John and Jane fell in love some years ago. They shared a home, but Jane kept saying she needed to move out because she didn’t feel she wanted to commit. Things came to a head when Jane cheated on John.

At this moment, what would you say to John?

Continuing the story: when Jane’s lover rejected her, John took Jane back. They went straight back to Jane saying she’s unhappy and wanting to quit.

Now what would you say to John? I’m sure by now you see your path is very clear.

My dear, this relationship is not working. Your girlfriend is not committed and doesn’t want to be committed.

You can’t make someone love you and want to be with you.

By hanging on, you are signing up for a lifetime of pain, rejection and regret. Don’t do it. Walk away.

To get over this emotionally, and to set you up to find a partner who is a match, consider why you got into this mess.

Start at the beginning. You jumped in far too quickly – why was that? As for buying a house, did you think that would force her to be locked into the relationship?

It looks as though you were grasping for commitment. Do you think a relationship will do something for you that you can’t do for yourself? Or is it a symbol of something? Figuring this out is important because it kept you in a nasty cycle.

You are in denial too. You claim you were happy but what you had was endless declarations that your partner wants to leave and that she even cheated on you.

You need to stop telling stories to yourself. Ask yourself why you’re hanging onto a relationship for years when it only gives you pain.

Discover why you lie to yourself rather than accept your feelings and work to a better goal.

Honestly, as you’ve been at this for years, I don’t think you can work through this alone. Work with a mental health professional who can talk you through this so you a) understand yourself, and b) learn to avoid falling into the same situation again, and c) work you into a space where you can find a good match (assuming you still want that).

You deserve to be happy, so reach out and get yourself on a path for that.

Is something bothering you? Do you need a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on? Thelma is here to help. e-mail star2.thelma@thestar.com.my or write to dear Thelma, c/o Starlifestyle, Menara Star,

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