Second chance at love but same old deceit

TEN years ago, I left my husband of 15 years because he had a few affairs. I could not take it anymore and decided to leave him, together with my children. I lived with my mum and led a happy life raising my children without getting any alimony.

My son is working and my daughter is currently pursuing her degree at a public university. At 50, I am active in outdoor activities.

Two years ago, I met this guy in a temple. I was attending morning prayers before going to work, and we saw each other almost every morning on workdays. He is a divorcee. After a few weeks, we exchanged contact numbers and became friends. He is self-employed and lives near my house.

We became closer, and agreed to give ourselves a second chance at love. Things went on well. My mum and children accepted him and we were happy.

Recently, I discovered something which bothers me. He had a problem with his handphone and was unable to do some setting on his Facebook. So, he used my handphone to log into his Facebook account. After completing his setting, he logged out. However, his Messenger was still active on my handphone.

Unintentionally, I came across his chats with some women from Thailand and Indonesia. I was shocked at their texts. He was sweet talking these women, calling them darling, sayang, dear, and ending their chats with “I love you”, “I miss you”, “sweet kiss for you”, etc.

Since this is a discovery channel, I started to follow his chats. I have lost confidence in our relationship. I have lost my trust in him.

I felt dumb and cheated. I have not confronted him yet and am waiting for the right time to raise my doubts with him. I do not know what his intentions are of having the virtual affairs but this has killed the love that I had for him. How do I move forward?

Jilted again

I’m a strong believer in having lots of friends, opposite sex included, so I normally would encourage chatting to others. Also, there are people who are warmer over casual texts than they are face to face. However, “I love you” is normally reserved for close family and partners. There are exceptions, one might sign off to a dear lifelong friend with that, especially in times of Covid. But from your description, these women aren’t people he’s known since kindy and sees as sisters. Given the circumstances, I have to agree with your assessment that he is having virtual affairs.

I’m so sorry. To have a cheat as a husband, and then have a boyfriend who is no different, is a double blow.

I empathise with your hurt but I urge you to bring in your common sense: His bad behaviour affects you but it does not say anything about you. You are not dumb. You loved a man whom you thought was kind and honest. That is not a crime.

In fact, taking a risk after a marriage has ended is a strength. You put yourself out there to look for love. You should pat yourself on the back for having the good sense and enterprise to look for happiness.

As for this particular issue, should you have foreseen this? From your letter, I don’t see any red flags. You gave yourself years to heal from your divorce, you took it slowly, and your family like him too. If you look back and think you may have missed something, do think it over. But otherwise, I’d not waste any time on worrying if you might have avoided this.

As it has killed your love for him and you don’t ask to repair the relationship but to move on, I suggest you tell him very calmly that you have seen he has other relationships, that you don’t accept that in a partner, that you wish him well, and that the affair is over.

Then have a good cry and gather your support circle. Talk it out until you feel better and focus on doing all the things you enjoy. Reconnecting with your sources of happiness will help you remember there is lots of joy in your life.

Also, I suggest you don’t think too much about “Why did he do it?” because it won’t change anything. Accept that he is one of those men who wants to have several women on the go at once. That’s not for you, so he’s not compatible.

It’s a shame but don’t waste your time on anger or judgement. Just move on and live your happiest, best life.i hope that you soon meet someone nice and honest who wants a happy, active lady as a life companion.