He loves me but his parents think I want to convert him

I’M in my 20s and so is my engineer boyfriend.

The problem that I have is about religion. I have embraced a different religion, which his parents talked about negatively. His family is very strong in their religion, which was my former religion. I don’t want to hold on to those religious beliefs and rituals anymore.

My boyfriend, who is always supportive of me, is sometimes scared of his parents. I believe that he respects his parents very much.

I gave him a Bible and he returned it to me, saying that his mum scolded him for reading it. I have no intention of converting him but I truly want my partner to follow and learn the good things which I’m extracting from my newfound faith.

He has assured his parents that I’m not going to convert him but his parents don’t seem to like me and are always worried that I will drag him into my religion.

We have talked about marriage. His parents want us to have a traditional Indian wedding with rituals. I don’t agree to that. My boyfriend is persuading me to give and take, but I truly don’t want to do that. He seems to be backing off away from me and asking me to compromise with his parents. Well, I can compromise for now.

But, in the future, I want my husband to follow me to church and read the Bible and raise our children in my religion.

RS

You fully intend to convert your boyfriend. You want a man who shares your religious beliefs and who will raise your children in that belief.

From his actions, I don’t think your boyfriend is enthusiastic. your boyfriend is an adult who has the right to choose his own path, not the one you pick for him or the one his mum does. He must make life choices that make him happy.

Ask him what he really wants. If his answer is not a resounding, “Babe, I’m with you and I share your faith”, then you should call it a day and look for a partner who can give you what you want.

If he is keen to convert, the next question is your vision of marriage.

Do you see yourselves as a unit with parents being quite separate or do you believe that you marry not just the person but their family too?

From your letter, I suspect that you would be happy to marry and never see your in-laws.

However, your boyfriend has already signalled he wants to remain on good terms.

Now, in Malaysia, multicultural weddings are common. You should have been able from the very beginning to create a ceremony that makes you happy, with enough of a nod to the other religion to make your husband’s family feel include

Also, as you’re a new convert, you probably have relatives who would have enjoyed that nod too.

Instead, you ended up fighting for control, using your faiths as bludgeons. Frankly, that has to stop. Both sides need to show maturity and respect.

As a first step, your boyfriend must be honest with his parents about his plans. That is going to be difficult because he behaves like a child, so much so that his mum decides what he is allowed to read.

My concern is that if he asserts his independence, they are likely to take that as “rebellion”.

Another problem is that he told his parents that you have no intention of converting him.

I suspect his parents know he lied. What they should do is ask why he could not be open with them. However, they are more likely to blame you, the outsider. This will cause additional conflict.

I’m afraid that they may tell your boyfriend that he has to choose between them and you. So, when you discuss your future, this has to be figured out first.

This will be brutal because some of the options are unhappy. Would he be happy to walk away or would it crush him? If they do give an ultimatum, would he rather leave you?

And what if they say they’re OK with his converting, but then spend 10 years sitting in your living room moaning about how you’ve ruined their son’s life? What would you expect to happen then?

I have no answers for you but I think talking it out will reveal what you need to do. When you get into this, be calm, keep anger out of it, and be prepared for every outcome.