Change of plans
How to uninvite people from your wedding and other etiquette tips amid the coronavirus.
IN pre-pandemic times, wedding season would be well under way, with elaborate celebrations. But the pandemic has uprooted nearly every aspect of life, including the way we celebrate love.
The coronavirus spreads primarily from person to person, and people are especially at risk in poorly ventilated, indoor spaces.
Couples who were scheduled to get married this year are making difficult choices: Do they postpone their weddings entirely? Get married with just immediate family and have a larger party at a later date, when it is safe to do so? Or have the wedding they planned but cut down the guest list?
All of the options come with logistical challenges, etiquette questions you won’t find in a wedding handbook, and lots and lots of stress for brides, grooms and guests.
When planning a wedding during a pandemic, the soon-to-wed couple should prioritise the health and safety of their guests, advises the Knot, a popular weddingplanning website that has put together resources for couples navigating this period.
For people moving forward with a wedding, the Knot suggests setting back-up dates with venues and vendors in case infections surge or gathering restrictions change.
In between questions about proper face mask etiquette, Jacquelyn Youst, an etiquette expert and owner of the Pennsylvania Academy of Protocol, has been fielding inquiries from concerned couples who are worried about what to do about their upcoming nuptials.
“They really do have to take into account the guest comfort level and (if they have a wedding) to not expect for everybody to come,” she said. “But there’s no hard and fast etiquette.”
Youst said she has heard of couples who got married on their original date with just immediate family or close friends there. Others even held an intimate lunch “reception” or a backyard lawn party afterward at one of their parents’ homes.
First, talk to your core crew – think family and bridal party – about their comfort level and ability to attend, the Knot advises. Some people may not want to fly across the country right now or may live in a hotspot.
If you have to remove guests yourself, it’s best to let people know of this change of plans with as much of a personal touch as possible.
Don’t make it cold and generic, Youst said. “A polite way would be a phone call,” she said. “Either do it personally in a phone call or in a card in the mail.” She suggests couples tell uninvited guests that “they look forward to celebrating with them in other ways”.
“Most people know what’s going on with the pandemic,” she said.
“I don’t think (couples) need to provide a reason why someone was uninvited but someone else was not.”
Do be cognisant of social media posting after the celebration, though, says the Knot, and try to avoid posting photos of guests who are still in attendance.
If you’ve been invited to a wedding and the RSVP is already in, but you now don’t want to go, tell the couple as soon as possible and be honest but polite, Youst said. The bride and groom should understand and respect your decision and comfort level regarding the virus.
But this doesn’t let you off the hook for a gift, according to Youst.
“If you got an invitation,” she said, “you’d give the same gift if you were going.” – dpa