Cherishing their love and sacrifices
This Mothers Day, let’s remember that the most precious gift we can give our mothers is our time.
AMONG the most valuable pieces of advice that Chrishen R. Gomez ever got from his mother, Sylvia Duraisingam, were to “make your bed every morning”, “keep things in the same place” and “sleep on time”.
“She is a pragmatic woman and these micro habits that she passed down to me have had a remarkable effect on my daily welfare,” says Chrishen, 27, a wildlife biologist who is currently pursuing his doctoral studies in wildlife biology at Oxford University in Britain.
Chrishen says that while his mother, who didn’t further her education after school, couldn’t help them much academically, she taught them invaluable life lessons just from the way she lived her life.
“My mum grew up in Banting (Selangor) which is a really small town and she struggled through school. My hypothesis is that she’s struggled with dyslexia all her life, which was why she found school so difficult. Because of that, she didn’t bother to further her education and went straight into working. Her priorities and what brings her joy have always been people ... her family and the community around her.
“When I was young, there was this family who lived down the road from us. They were quite poor, a big family living in a small house. And there was a young girl who used to walk to school every day with an aunt. We inadvertently tended to leave for school at the same time.
“Now this is going to paint me in a terrible light but I was very young at the time and I used to beg my mother not to give her a lift. You see, the girl used to rub coconut oil in her hair and I really couldn’t stand the smell.
“And we had a really small car and would be all crammed up inside together. So from the minute I got into the car I would beg my mum to just drive on and not to stop for the girl.
“She would, of course, ignore me every single time. That’s just who my mum is.
“For her, it was the neighbourly thing to do. She was always helping someone and looking out for the people around her, which I think is a quality that is becoming more and more absent in society and something that I now admire about her,” says Chrishen.
But at that time, it wasn’t so endearing, he admits.
“As a child, much to my embarrassment, I would find my mother chatting with just about anyone she met on the road. The world through my mother’s eyes is one with people at its centre,” says Chrishen, who grew up in Selangor with his parents and elder brother.
Now, he finds himself being just like his mum, talking to all and sundry. There is a running joke among his colleagues at Oxford that he’d probably even talk to a rock if he could!
“I turned out to be the exact same person,” he says, smiling sheepishly. “I love people, like my mum does, and I find that conversations bring a lot of joy.
“I realised that when I moved to Sabah to work in the field and found that I really enjoyed sitting down with the local people and just talking with them. “I guess I mirrored my mother’s love for people in the native communities I lived with. Through her actions, my mother impressed upon me the opportunity to build a community and lifelong friendships with every person I met,” he shares.
His mum also always knew the panacea to make them feel better after a hard day.
“When I am stressed or just having a bad day, I would just have to be with mum to feel calm again.
“It’s not anything she says or does but she just has this calming effect that would make me see that things will be alright,” he says.
Chrishen adds that his mother had a very interesting approach to helping him and his brother through their exams.
“There’s always pressure when exams were around the corner. But probably contrary to what was good for me, my mother would give me all the food I wanted during exams and that’s never been ‘good’ food.
“I remember at the end of exams, my brother and I would get (a kids’ meal set) from (a popular fast food chain) and we would always look forward to it. And whenever I finished Math tuition, all stressed and exhausted from a long class, there would be a plastic bag of pisang goreng waiting for me in the car.
“But it made me feel really good and it was something I looked forward to at the end of doing something really difficult,” he shares, adding that he still has the set meal and pisang goreng whenever he needs a pick-me-up.
Unwavering support
In 2019, Chrishen received the Merdeka Award Grant for International Attachment (Magia), which is given to deserving young Malaysians for short-term collaborative projects or programmes at internationally recognised institutions of higher learning. Since its inception in
2013, some 24 Malaysians have received the award.
As a wildlife biologist, Chrishen manages the Bornean Carnivore Programme, which comprises a team of six researchers devoted to studying the entire Bornean mammalian carnivore guild.
Before moving to Oxford to further his studies, he lived in Sabah for several years. He is still managing the programme and will be back in Sabah next month.
Chrishen admits that he often doesn’t get to spend special occasions, such as Mothers Day, with his mother. Though unfortunate, he says that this has made the time that they do spend together more meaningful.
Being away from home has also strengthened their relationship.
“I’ve made the error of trying to convey my love and appreciation with fancy gifts and gadgets, only to learn that the only thing my mother truly desires is that her family is happy and safe.
“These days, I’ve learnt that the most precious gift I can afford my mum is also the most precious gift she gave me – time,” he adds.
“Absence makes the heart grow fonder, maybe. I speak to her once in two or three days just to catch up and it’s really nice. She is 61 now and enjoying her retirement a bit too much! She’s happy to watch her Korean dramas all day,” he says.
Chrishen shares that his decision to pursue wildlife research “confused” his family in the beginning as his undergraduate degree was in molecular biology, which had nothing really to do with conservation.
“But, when he did make up his mind to go this route, his parents never failed to support his pursuit of happiness. I think when I decided to move to the forest and live there, it caught my parents by surprise,” he says.
“They were like ‘What are you doing? Why are you making these choices? There are so many other
things you could do!’ I think they were just anxious and worried because they didn’t understand the work that I would be doing. But they kept their anxiety mostly to themselves and let me go.
“Receiving the accreditation and acknowledgement from the Merdeka Award was definitely a big step for my parents because they got to see that people recognised my work.
“They saw that my work was important and Malaysians valued it and I think it was a proud moment for them because they realised that they didn’t need to worry anymore,” he says.
His mother, he adds, has seen him through “every experience” in life and even made several trips to his field work locations.
“One of the most significant memories I have of her was her last visit to my field site in a primary forest in Sabah. Though she didn’t fully understand my work there, that didn’t deter my mum from experiencing it with me.
“As soon as she could, she was on a flight to live with me in the forest for a week.
“There, she hiked the trails I visit everyday, cooked chicken curry for my research assistants, watched red leaf langurs and hornbills glide through the canopy and gaze at the setting sun,” he shares.
In ending, Chrishen describes his mum as such: “She’s a complete original, a perfect Korean drama companion, with her wide selection of kacang and other snacks. She lights up every room she’s in, tries to make everybody feel at home. My mum is usually the first on every dance floor and the last to leave, setting the bar very high for what a good party should look like for the rest of us.”