Gift of loving memories

HE LOOKED peaceful with his eyes closed and his arms folded over his chest. His right hand covered his left. It left me wondering whether it was a premonition, but I pushed the thought out of my mind. It was just my overactive imagination or a dream!

The last time I saw my dad was in August 2019. We all wanted to be together in Dubai where he underwent eye surgery. I had two precious weeks with him. Saying goodbye felt like a final farewell.

A deep sadness resided in my heart for quite a long time after coming back. I had no reason to believe that I would never see him or get to hug him again. But as humans we forget that death does not make an appointment; it is an unexpected guest that comes and whisks a person away.

2021 left an indelible mark on me. It will be an unforgettable year, the year my sisters and I lost our father, and my mother lost her husband. Now everything is “before dad passed away” or “after dad passed away”. This has become our barometer of time. But saying it becomes more real in contrast to when thoughts are hidden in the deep recesses of our minds and everything is surreal.

I know that I am not facing my demons, but I would much rather avoid reality. I whisper to myself, “He is still alive.” I cocoon myself from the clutches of grief.

I always thought I had an empathetic nature and could feel people’s pain. However, this recent loss proved me wrong. The pain is indescribable. Last year, a lot of friends also lost one or both parents.

As the weeks and months pass, there are some days I can talk about it calmly and there are other days that talking is unbearable. So I bottle up my feelings – it keeps me sane. Waves of guilt wash over me at times because I am alive.

Laughing or taking part in any joyous activity seems awkward and akin to betrayal. When I least expect it, emotions come bubbling forth. But the cliché, “life goes on”, is annoyingly true. Unfortunately, life does not come to a standstill for us because we have lost a loved one. It does not give us space to grieve.

We move on, we make plans and we try to live with the pain as best as possible. Perhaps that is how it is meant to be.

We never know what to say to someone who is grieving. We fumble for the right words...

Unfortunately, I am one of those who know how it feels. Ironically, losing a loved one does not make you an expert at consoling a fellow griever. But I believe the right words make a difference.

We have a myriad of what I would call platitudes – such as “he is in a better place”; “it is better this way”; “he is at peace now”; “he had lived a good life”. Honestly, such words used to set me off and the Mr Hyde in me would retort, “You have no idea how it feels.” But with a change of heart, I have learned to accept those words of comfort because they make me feel better. My favourite is: “God loves him more than we do.” I hold on to this affirmation as it warms my heart on days when everything seems cold. Oceans and continents separated my dad and I, but now we exist in two different worlds. However, his spirit is never far away. He is missed and we will always carry on his legacy. Sometimes I weep uncontrollably and it is cathartic. There are days I relive the joyful moments with him.

For all of those who have lost their loved ones, it is all right to grieve in your own way.

The following excerpt from Charlie Mackesy’s book The Boy, The Mole, The Fox And The Horse encapsulates the grieving process for me. We need to give ourselves permission to feel the pain, and accept and embrace it:

“Do your eyes ever just fill with tears?” asked the boy.

“Yes,” said the horse.

“OK,” replied the boy. “That’s OK, then.” Someone dubbed 2021 as the Year of Sorrow – what an apt name! The year was one of losses and heart-wrenching grief for many of us. Of course, there are countless blessings as well. In 2022, instead of counting the tears, we count the blessings, as difficult as it is to do so. Dad was a wonderful gift to us and we will continue to cherish the memories.

Dedicated to all those who have lost loved ones since the pandemic started.