Celebrating the life of the deceased
There will always be a sense of loss and sadness when family members and friends pass on. But more people are seeking a joyful alternative to the traditional subdued burial or cremation.
FUNERALS in Ghana might baffle or even disturb newcomers to the African country, as guests seem to do less mourning and more grooving to dance music beside the casket. But this is how it’s done here, an affirmation of life as well as death.
“I’ve seen people celebrate on the beach with fire baskets, guitars and urns, or at the open casket in a wedding venue,” says German funeral director Nadine Weske, who prefers to call herself a “farewell planner”.
Increasingly, people in other countries and cultures are also opting for a happier send-off instead of a heavy outpouring of grief.
Weske recalls a recent “advance farewell” when a patient suffering from ALS – a motor neuron disease – who didn’t have much longer to live threw a giant party.
“The atmosphere was great, he was brought onto the dance floor, everyone around him danced and cried at the same time,” she says.
Another farewell for a deceased filmmaker took place in a cinema: “The urn stood at the front, her life film was shown and there was popcorn.”
Events like these no longer surprise the Federal Association of German Undertakers (BDB), not least because in more than 70% of cases cremation is now preferred over burial.
“This results in new places where services can take place, which in turn alters the format of many ceremonies,” says BDB spokesperson Elke Herrnberger.
People often fashion their own farewell ahead of time, with planning contracts bearing requests to “Please wear cheerful clothes” or “I want people to laugh and dance.”
Favourite dishes, playlists and personally significant locations are stipulated, as well as customised caskets, urns, sweatshirts and motor cavalcades.
Parents of children who died arrange the release of rainbows of balloons or a barbecue in the cemetery. Bikers don’t hold back either. ACDC’S rock classic Highway To Hell blasted out at many a farewell, says German grief counsellor Carmen Birkholz.
For Birkholz, who also heads the Federal Association for Bereavement Support (BVT), one rule is paramount: If the deceased wanted it a certain way, then that’s what happens, regardless of what others might think.
Relatives and friends are often on the same wavelength, like at the farewell bash for a young man from Germany’s Moselle region, famous for its vineyards, who loved to live it up and dress as Bacchus at carnival time.
“It was clear that the funeral would also be very colourful,” says Birkholz. Solemnity was still integral, with the cancer patient’s partner carrying the urn with his remains to the grave, before the day culminated with a champagne reception.
“It was right for everyone because it was an occasion of sadness but also beauty.”
While upbeat goodbyes are gaining in popularity, they are not to everyone’s liking and can cause outrage in the planning stage.
“When things get conflicted you have to just push on through,” says Birkholz, who can find herself mediating in heated discussions.
“Skeptics are often won over when they realise that it’s about doing justice to the deceased.”
Farewell planner Weske also had her share of objections from clients who say “That’s not appropriate” when they hear what’s in store. “Then I always ask: But what exactly isn’t? Because nobody can really object to fulfilling someone’s last wish and preparing a nice party for them.”
She is still considering what her own farewell will look like. Because she loves travelling she wants to enlist the help of relatives and friends to scatter her ashes around the globe. “It would be nice if everyone took a piece of me with them on vacation,” she says.
As for the event itself, there won’t be any fanfare, just plenty of colour and a simple invitation: “Come as you are and celebrate life.”