We are family
Family means different things to each of us – whether a nuclear family, a blended family, an adoptive family or even a family of friends, we need to honour and recognise diversity.
WHEN Ian Schneider was three, he asked his parents, Yuri Tiru Pillai, 34, and Sven Schneider, 41, an unexpected question: “Why is Mimi (his stepmother) light brown, but I’m peach? Why is Papa and Mami (birth mother) peach?”
This is because Ian, now five, is of German-chinese parentage, while his stepmother Yuri is of Indian-chinese parentage, and his father Sven, German.
Yuri reveals that her stepson was also puzzled because, unlike other children, he had two mothers, and two homes.
“At his young age, he was already asking questions and very curious to know and understand not only who I am but also why he has two mums and two homes,” she says.
The couple who live in Kuala Lumpur were taken aback by the question, and Yuri’s husband Schneider tried to explain by drawing their family tree.
“Although blended families aren’t a new thing, there has always been a negative social stigma associated with stepparents, in particular, stepmothers,” says Yuri.
“Even from young, children are exposed to this negative narrative through fairy tales such as Snow White, Cinderella, and Hansel And Gretel.
“There’s always this evil character, the antagonist who is the stepmother, which doesn’t really give a true picture of what stepparenting is like, because not all stepmothers are evil,” she highlights.
Ian’s question and the negative stereotypes about stepparents were among the factors that prompted marketing communications specialist Yuri to write a book, Two Homes, One Family.
“I decided to write the book to provide the alternative perspective, and make this perception of stepmothers more neutral and balanced”, she says.
Being a stepmother has been “one of my most fulfilling experiences”, says Yuri. But she adds that, unfortunately, there is very little information and research on stepparenting and most of the literature available portrays it in a negative light.
“There’s both the good and the bad where stepparenting is concerned,” says the advocate for healthy co-parenting and blended families wellness.
According to Yuri, one of the things she loves about being a stepmother is being able to make a difference and impact a young person’s life from an early age, even though she didn’t give birth to her son.
Another good thing, she says, is the diversity in their family.
“People grow up with the conventional idea that there can only one set of parents – a father and a mother – but in a blended family, you might have more than one set of parents, and more than two sets of grandparents, and that makes things more exciting,” she says.
Yuri herself has a stepfather when her mother remarried some years ago.
“I was already in my late 20s when my mother remarried and he came into our life so we treated him more as a friend than a father. He’s Canadian so I call him Papi (which means Papa in French), while my birth father, who is Indian, is Papa,” she says.
“My stepfather is extroverted and outgoing as a person, the complete opposite of my birth father who is introverted – so we got the best of both worlds and we know who to go to for what kind of advice,” she adds.
Yuri adds that after she became a stepmother, she became more empathetic towards her stepfather because she realised the challenges he had to go through as a stepparent.
“I tried harder to make my stepdad included in our family because I understood what it was like. I told him ‘I see you as a father figure in my life and you’re important too’,” says Yuri.
Social stigma
She adds that one negative aspect about being a stepparent is the prevalent social stigmas and discrimination in society that can make one feel very alone in the process.
“In my social circles, friends would be exchanging information about their families and children, and they’d turn to me and say, ‘Don’t worry, you’ll understand when you have a real child’ or ‘Don’t worry, you’ll get it when you have your own child’. It’s as if a stepchild is not a real child,” she says indignantly.
“Also, in the work environment, in most of my experiences, I was considered ‘married without child’ although I had the responsibilities of a parent. People were more emphatic towards parents who had biological children than someone like me who has a stepchild,” she adds.
Stepparents can feel very frustrated and alone in their journey, and they need an environment that supports their position, emphasises Yuri.
They are often ‘burning the candle at both ends’ because unlike birth mothers who have nine months to prepare for their role, the responsibility of being a mother is thrust upon stepmothers instantaneously when they marry into the family, she says.
Riding the wave
Circumstances may be against you but you’ve to rise above them, says Yuri.
“I started doing more research on blended families and discovered that from 2018 to 2019, the divorce cases in Malaysia were between 50,000 to 56,000. But when the pandemic hit, they shot up to 78,000,” she says, referencing an article in The Star in Sept 2021.
“There are a lot of parents in similar circumstances as mine, looking for answers and ways to bring the family together. And there are many other chilmy dren like stepson who are wondering who is this ‘extra person’ in their lives who looks after them,” she adds. Yuri says that she and her husband couldn’t find any books or play materials to help them explain their blended family to their son. “All I found were negatively-skewed books such as cartoons and fairy tales about wicked stepmothers which sadly, are even included in the children’s education curriculum,” she says.
“But there was nothing to support the positive side of stepparenting.”
As a result, Yuri decided to write a book for her son in a positive and educational way.
“We gave the book to my son on his birthday on May 26 last year as his birthday present. His reaction, in his simplistic way, was to ask why the character looks like him,” she says.
“He said, ‘How come all my soft toy friends are in the book? It must be a very special book!’,” she recalls.
When he realised it was supposed to be him, he started telling everyone – his friends and schoolmates, that he has a book and his family has many colours, sizes and shapes, she shares.
Yuri plans to work on a second book on single fathers. “There’s so much attention given to single mothers, but not enough for single fathers who do so much for their children, especially before the new (step)mothenters er the picture when they’ve to look after their child single-handedly,” she says. Yuri strongly feels there needs to be a platform for all parents, especially those from blended families, to come together and talk about their issues to normalise the diversity of being from different types of families. “Once we talk about it, it won’t be so uncommon. Topics such as divorce and stepchildren are still very ‘sensiand tive shame“but ful’. the world is changing and we too should change,” she says. “If you want stepparents, stepmothers especially, to play a positive role in a child’s life, which they will whetherwelikeit or not, then there should be a support system and people to advocate for it,” she adds. “Children’s storyhave books all a moral element for confamilies, ventional and we need to apply this to blended families too because stepparents will have a big role to play in a child’s life too,” she concludes.