What’s best for grandpa?

GRANDFATHER, 87, used to live in Ipoh with grandmother until five years ago, when their daughter died. My cousin then brought grandpa to live in his house.

But grandpa says there is no privacy for him as the husband and wife will be talking and he’s sitting there, hearing everything.

He keeps asking my father to take him back to Ipoh to settle the house bills and meet up with his friends. He also wants to take grandma, who is bedridden and needs a wheelchair, with him.

If we don’t take grandpa back to Ipoh, he will be traumatised and get into his moods. We cannot advise him as he talks like he knows everything.

Now, he says that I must work in Ipoh so he can can live there happily again, and bring my grandma to stay too. I feel pressured when he talks like this. I don’t know any other solution than try to hang myself.

Disappointed I AM concerned that you think the only solution is to hang yourself. Who will you be helping, really, by doing that? It points to desperation. But it also shows not much thought has been put into this situation at all. How about looking at things from your grandfather’s perspective?

He has lived his life in Ipoh and is familiar with the city. All of a sudden, he is now in a new, unfamiliar place. He has also lost his independence and all his friends and social connections.

He is cut off from all that he knows and has completely lost control over his life. Plus, he sounds uncomfortable in the house he is currently staying in. No wonder he wants to return to Ipoh and take your grandmother with him as it is a way for him to reassert autonomy over his own life.

Looking after elderly family members is never easy. On top of the myriad health problems, there are the emotional ups-and-downs, as well as the tug of war that comes with adults trying to assert their autonomy – parents over their (adult) children, and adult children over elderly parents.

Most children/grandchildren try to make the best decisions when it comes to the needs of the elderly. What most people forget is to respect and preserve older people’s dignity. They have rights, too, you know.

Did anyone ever ask your grandfather what he would have wanted? I see that you tried to advise him, but advising can sometimes sound like telling people what to do. Your grandfather is quite capable of making his own decisions. You need to realise and respect that.

How about telling him what the situation is and explaining why the family brought him to live with your cousin? Then ask him what he would do in your shoes. It will not be an easy discussion, and may have to be revisited over the course of time.

It is not uncommon for people your grandfather’s age to suffer from dementia. Aside from memory loss, it can also manifest itself in changes in mood and behaviour. The best way to find out if he is suffering from this condition is to have him examined by an expert.

Try and think about what you would like when you are old. How would you want to live and what would you expect of your children and grandchildren?

Now, think again. Do you really want to hang yourself?