Avoiding tunnel vision
IN the past few days, our headlines have been inundated with comments ranging from praise and commendation to condemnation, diatribes, and rants surrounding the sexual endeavours of Vivian Lee and Alvin Tan.
I do not plan to endorse or condemn Alvin and Vivian. The rights and wrongs of posting their sexual encounters on their blog can be discussed in another medium; preferably, it would be a medium where dialogue (i.e. talking with as opposed to talking to) is likely to happen.
What I am concerned is about our reactions, as a community, to this couple and their parents.
Specifically, based on most of the articles so far, it appears that we are having a lot of difficulty freeing ourselves from fixating on the sexual aspect of their personhood.
As a doctoral candidate in Clinical Psychology at the University of Mississippi, I have been given a number of opportunities to slug through the messy, complicated parts of life with remarkably resilient individuals.
Notwithstanding general principles that influence human behaviour, I have been impressed, time and time again, of the multi-layered dimensions that comprise each person.
As you take time to listen to a person’s story, you may earn the right and (possibly) be given the opportunity to preview some of those layers.
I am not saying you will like or agree with every layer you encounter; but you will definitely have a richer understanding of that person.
Similarly, if we truly desire to understand the reason behind the Alvin and Vivian’s actions, I propose engaging them in conversation (listening to a radio interview does not count).
Listen to them. Talk about sex if you choose to; concurrently, feel free to talk about other things like their favourite mamak stall, their favourite music genres, or other things they like to do. If we truly want to understand their parents, speak with them as well. Listen to them. Discuss their frustrations, fears, and concerns regarding this issue; concurrently, feel free to discuss other topics as well.
Put simply, resist the inclination to characterise their personhood and family character solely on this issue. The worse we can do for them is to treat them as two-dimensional characters and shape their identity as such.
Having said that, I amnot necessarily asking you to compromise your own values. I, for one, was brought up in a conservative Christian community in Malaysia and am currently studying in one of the most conservative regions in the United States (Mississippi being part of the “Bible Belt”).
I firmly believe that sexuality is sacred and should be treated with utmost dignity. Thus, as with most sacred things in life, I only share it with the person I care most within the safeguards of marriage.
However, I would feel comfortable expressing this to Alvin and Vivian since I trust that they would respect my views too.
Reciprocally, I would be most willing to hear their views on sexuality and be able to agree to disagree with them.
Most importantly, if I ever do get to speak with them, I would be privileged to hear more about their lives in a more complete fashion – not just about their sexual encounters.
With a lot of flux and diversity in our Malaysian culture nowadays, we should expect contentious issues like this to come up on a regular basis.
Although it is important to discuss about the content of such issues, we also need to cultivate a healthy approach to deal with them, irrespective of content.
Specifically, take time to listen to one another. Engage each other in conversation. Go beyond the salient aspects of their personalities. Perhaps, then, we would be able to appreciate and discover the different dimensions that comprise our personhood.
This way, we stand a better chance of cultivating a caring community in Malaysia.
CHIN EU GENE Oxford, Mississippi, USA