Languages of
Be aware of which of the five languages of love your child prefers in order to best express your love for them.
AS parents, we all love our children, but have you thought about whether you are expressing this love to them in a manner that they would respond to?
Quaintly dubbed as a “love language”, the idea behind the ways in which you show your love was sparked by a book called The 5 Love Languages written by Dr Gary Chapman in 1995.
This book explores the premise that expressing love is not just about saying “I love you”, but also includes interacting with your child according to which of five love languages she is most responsive to.
Parental love is central to developing emotional stability, which is an essential aspect of child development, especially in their early years.
This will help your child cope with life in the future.
You can encourage positive emotional development by showing your child your appreciation, care and love.
A child who feels starved of love and attention (especially if you fail to speak in her preferred love language) may display unwanted behaviour.
You should practise all five love languages with children below five years of age, while older children would have developed their own preference towards one or two love languages.
Try to accommodate your child’s preferences by using the love language she prefers.
All it takes is for you to observe all the things she does.
Notice how she communicates and interacts with you and the world around her.
Watch how she plays and treats her toys (e.g. dolls, stuff toys, cars, robots, etc) – this will give you some of the clues you need!
1. Physical touch
If your child is constantly in your space (e.g. touching you, playing with your hair, taking your hands and putting them on his cheek, giving hugs, etc), it’s a sign that physical touch is his preferred method of expressing love.
Thus, you should also show him your love in the same way.
Warm and tender physical touches can be used to express love.
However, it is necessary to teach our young ones the differences between good and bad touches, in order to protect them from becoming victims of physical and sexual abuse.
Association of Registered Childcare Providers Malaysia president Anisa Ahmad says: “Mummy and daddy, grandmas and grandpas, uncles and aunties, even sisters and brothers, we can hug and kiss each other, but there are areas where touch is improper.
“We need to teach our children about it.
“Kisses or touching on the cheeks, chin, forehead or hands are fine, but not on the lips, breasts, buttocks, and vagina or penis.
“Other than for washing or cleaning up baby’s mess, even parents should not be touching their child’s private parts.
“Be upfront about this with your child and help her or him understand that no one should be touching their private parts, and to inform adults they trust if anyone attempts to do so.”
She also advises parents to use the proper name for private parts, and avoid creative names such as “flower”, “bird”, “karipap” and so on.
2. Giving gifts
If your child is particular about how gifts are wrapped, recalls who gave her what for years, or is reluctant to dispose of gifts (even if unneeded or unused), then she certainly prefers gifts to express love.
There are pros and cons to giving gifts.
For one, don’t just give whatever she wants immediately whenever she asks for it.
Instead, give it as a way to show her your appreciation and love, either for helping you or for being kind.
This will make her value the gift more.
You can also give your children simple inexpensive gifts from time to time to show them that they are loved, such as clothes, accessories, flowers, their favourite food, or even handmade gifts or cards.
“Also, appreciate whatever your child gives you,” says Anisa.
“My girl gave me a card she made herself, and she was on cloud nine when I told her that I loved it.
“She was surprised that I still have it until today,” the mother of five shares.
It isn’t about the price tag, but the effort put into it that matters.
So, getting them expensive gifts doesn’t mean that your child will appreciate it more.
In fact, you want to teach them the value of appreciating any gift given to them, which is a far more important lesson for them to learn.
3. Words of affirmation
A child who favours words of affirmation as his love language tends to listen and speak intently, and loves giving or receiving praise.
On this note, you should use praise to help build your child’s confidence.
Avoid giving praise for the sake of praising though as it may come across as insincere.
Be mindful that praise should always be sincere and specific.
For instance, saying things like “You’re so smart!” or “You are a good boy!” may seem like praise, but they are not specific.
In order to make it effective, you can say something like “You’re so smart because you solved that puzzle without any help!” or “You’re such a good boy for keeping your promise to clean your room”.
National Population and Family Development Board (LPPKN) deputy director-general (Policy) Hairil Fadzly Md Akir says: “Give praise consistently to encourage him to form a positive attitude and mindset.
“On the other hand, beware of hurtful words or comments because this will have a devastating effect and stay with your child for a long time.”
He also gives a suggestion on how to creatively praise your children: “Be generous in giving children compliments and appreciation for their appearance and good deeds or behaviour.
“You may also want to consider writing small encouraging notes and placing them where children will find them.”
4. Acts of service
A common sign would be a child who frequently asks you to do things for them (e.g. tying her hair or shoelaces, reading her a bedtime story, etc).
However, the downside to this type of love language is that it can be quite exhausting and you may end up feeling like a servant, so don’t misunderstand the concept!
The main point is not for you to do everything for your child, so make it clear to her that you will not be doing all her tasks as she will need to learn how to do them herself.
Of course, you can step in to help her from time to time.
It’s important to stay aware of what will be more effective, e.g. she may have a broken toy that you can help her fix or she might appreciate your help with her homework.
Both provide you with the chance to turn it into a parentchild bonding activity where you spend quality time together.
Hairil, a father of five, adds: “Simple acts of service can include making a favourite meal for your child, doing homework or chores together, building a model, or even doing a puzzle together.
“The idea here is to not only spend time together, but to also do things with, and for, them.
“They’ll notice your love and the time you spend together will endear you to them.”
5. Spending quality time together
It isn’t difficult to identify this love language as your child will often ask you to watch him doing things or demand that you play with him.
You can spend quality time with your child by reading together, going on walks in the park and interacting closely with him.
This is pretty much the breadand-butter of any parent-child bond, regardless of whether you subscribe to the theory of the five languages of love or not. Unfortunately, many parents are finding it increasingly difficult to spend quality time with their kids nowadays.
Consultant paediatrician Datuk Dr Zulkifli Ismail suggests: “Start by scheduling time for activities to be done together.
“Talk with your child to see what he prefers.
“If he loves singing, you can play his favourite song and sing along together. “You can also introduce activities such as rock climbing or badminton. “Take turns to select the activities you’ll do together to keep things interesting and fun.”
The Positive Parenting Programme chairman adds that: “Whatever the activity is, the important thing is to be ‘present’ and to fully focus your attention on him.
“Keep digital gadgets aside, otherwise you may be distracted and send him the message that your gadget is more important than him.”
It’s all about connecting
At the end of the day, it’s all about fostering a close parent-child bond.
Do it as early as possible – the longer you wait, the harder it becomes to have a close bond with your child.
This is more so when she reaches her teen years or starts becoming more rebellious because of a lack of connection.
It’s important to communicate with each other about one’s preferred love languages, so talk directly with each other about your preferences.
Your child’s preference will change as she grows and matures, so you will need to keep up to date with your approach in showing parental love.
Stay observant to see how receptive she is to the language of love that you are using.
For instance, your toddler may love goodbye hugs when you drop her off at the daycare centre, but your teen may find it awkward or embarrassing if you do the same when dropping her off at school.
Remember to make allowances for her as she still needs your guidance.
The ultimate aim is that parents can communicate with their child based on their love language, and vice-versa.
This article is courtesy of the Malaysian Paediatric Association’s Positive Parenting programme in collaboration with expert partners. For further information, please email starhealth@thestar.com.my. The information provided is for educational and communication purposes only and it should not be construed as personal medical advice. Information published in this article is not intended to replace, supplant or augment a consultation with a health professional regarding the reader’s own medical care. The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, functionality, usefulness or other assurances as to the content appearing in this column. The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses, damage to property or personal injury suffered directly or indirectly from reliance on such information.