Your child not your pal

> It’s our job not to be our children’s friend but their parent who will guide them, set boundaries and steer them to the right path

MY ELDEST daughter and I were fans of Gilmore Girls, the TV comedy-drama series which debuted in 2000. The show depicted the life of Lorelai, a 30-something single mother, and her daughter Rory, and explored issues of family, friendship and romance, generational divides, and social class.

Two things struck me about the show. The first was the super-fast dialogue between Lorelai and Rory. They spoke twice as fast as the average adult, and they didn’t need to pause to catch their breath.

What was even more captivating was the motherdaughter relationship, or should I say, friendship. They were friends first, mother and daughter second.

It made for good TV, but is it advisable for parents to nurture this sort of relationship with their children?

Not according to parenting experts. Our children can have as many friends as they wish to, but they can only have one father, or one mother.

It’s our job to be their parent, not their bosom buddy. They need us to guide them, to set boundaries, and to steer them back on the right path when they deviate.

Friends do not exercise authority over each other. Friends would not order them to clean their room, do their homework and go to bed early. I mean, what sort of friend does that?

Friends would mess up their rooms even more, encourage them to watch K-pop videos instead of solving math problems, and end up chatting until the wee hours instead of hitting the sack.

A trap that parents unintentionally fall into is to treat their children as their confidante.

In the words of behavioural therapist James Lehman: “The child is not morally, emotionally or intellectually prepared to play that role.”

This doesn’t mean that we can’t have heart-to-heart talks with our children.

Personal sharing strengthens our bond with them, but we should refrain from dumping personal problems such as financial woes or relationship issues on them.

A different approach is what we need. To use Lehman’s example, instead of telling our children: “I don’t know how we’re going to pay the rent”, say: “We can’t afford it.”

They don’t need to know all the details. Parents must exercise discretion in what to share and what not to.

It is all too convenient for parents to unwittingly unload their troubles onto their children, because they live under the same roof.

It’s like shooting fish in a barrel. This is not good, and can lead to what psychologists call ‘enmeshment’.

This is when the relationship between parent and child is so unhealthily close, that there is a blurring of parent-child boundaries.

This might result in the child struggling to develop his or her own independent self.

When our children face problems, naturally we want them to confide in us so that we can give them the guidance and emotional support they need.

But we don’t want them to become overly-dependent on us; they have to establish friendships with their peers as part of their social support network.

Similarly, parents need adult friends whose shoulders we can cry on when the going gets tough.

In conclusion, don’t follow the path of the Gilmore girls. That’s for television land, not the real world.

Lydia Teh is a mother of four and author of nine books, including the latest, Cow Sense for Young People. Send comments to lifestyle.lydia@thesundaily.com.