Bridging the divide

> Communicating with teenagers can be hard because of that dreaded generation gap

ALL PARENTS have experienced something like this at some point in their lives. “How was school today?” you ask your teenager. He shrugs his shoulders.

Later in the evening, you ask: “Have you done your homework?” He grunts.

“Is that a yes or a no?” you ask again. He shrugs.

You lose your cool, and end up shouting at him: “Answer me properly!”

You wonder what has happened to the little boy who used to chatter non-stop until you wish you could stuff cotton wool into your ears to get some peace and quiet.

Well, what has happened is that your boy has grown up.

Parents everywhere go through this period of reticence when teens like to clam up. As parents, we want to keep the channel of communication open with our children.

But if our teenagers are constantly trying to avoid talking with us, it is time to examine how we communicate with them.

Do we have a tendency to scold our children and yell at them each time we open our mouth? If so, is it any wonder that they would rather not talk with us?

“I scold them because they won’t listen to what I say. They just don’t listen,” is a common refrain among parents.

Well, do we listen to what we say? And how we say it?

In personal communication, tone and body language are just as important as spoken words.

For instance, “Go get the book for me now”, sounds cordial when spoken gently. But when it is uttered in a loud voice with the hand pointing towards the direction of the book, it sounds angry or commanding.

Now, let’s turn the table around: do we listen to our children?

From personal experience, I know how easy it is to hear without listening because we don’t pay attention.

I would ask the same question over and over again until my kids respond in exasperation: “Mummy! I have told you three times!”

Teenagers also don’t like to be lectured; in fact, nobody likes to be lectured. So converse with them instead.

“But they won’t talk, or they’d give one-word answers. How to have a conversation?” you may complain.

Use a different tack then. For instance, instead of asking: “How was school today,” try: “What did you do for PE today?” or “How is the new Math teacher?”

Another way to get through to them is to find a nonconfrontational topic to talk about.

If your teenager likes to watch kung-fu movies, broach the subject with him. Who does he prefer, Bruce Lee or Jet Li? What’s his favourite movie?

Respecting each other’s viewpoints is also an important element in keeping the communication line open.

If we constantly put down our teenagers because we don’t agree with their opinions, eventually they won’t bother to speak up because each time they do, sparks fly.

The older our children grow, the more aware they’d be of our flaws. Like everyone else, we have feet of clay; we are not always right.

But when we make mistakes and apologise for them, our children will learn humility.

Lydia Teh is a mother of four and author of nine books, including the latest, Cow Sense for Young People. Send comments to lifestyle.lydia@thesundaily.com.