Teaching children good manners
◦ Parents are the linchpin when it comes to good manners in a family, say experts
EIGHT-YEAR-OLD Selim groans: “Eating is hard!”, as he concentrates on manoeuvring a tangle of spaghetti onto a spoon with a fork, winding it into a bite-sized bundle and then whisking it into his mouth before it all plops back onto the plate.
The pasta meal is part of an etiquette course for eight- to 11-yearolds. For three hours on a Saturday morning in a side room of a Munich cafe, the ten boys and girls are learning how to eat properly with a knife, fork and spoon, as well as how to greet other people politely, introduce themselves, and what to do if they fail to stifle a burp at the dinner table.
When course instructor Janine Katharina Poetsch inquires who came voluntarily, no one raises a hand. But soon the kids are having fun learning who is supposed to greet whom first, and how to say goodbye in a friendly way.
And then one of them surprises Poetsch by politely asking: “May I please have something to drink?”
Poetsch, who primarily instructs adults in modern etiquette, says courses for kids are also very much in demand, namely “from parents who want their children to internalise good manners.”
Parents are the linchpin when it comes to good manners in a family, remarks Ulric Ritzer-Sachs, an online counsellor for Germany’s Federal Conference for Child Guidance Counselling (BKE). “They’ve got to be clear about what good manners mean to them, and they’ve got to set an example,” he says.
Even the best-intentioned parents don’t always live up to their own standards, though. What if they let a curse or nasty remark slip out?
“They should then admit they were wrong,” Ritzer-Sachs advises. “Children will take their bearings from an apology in situations like this.”
And although parents may make every effort to set an example of respectful and polite behaviour, there will be times when it seems their offspring haven’t got the message.
The kids will let loose with the latest expletives they picked up at kindergarten, have giggly burping contests or, particularly in their teenage years, tell their parents to “shove it”.
“As exasperating as these phases can be, they’ll pass,” notes RitzerSachs reassuringly, adding that creative solutions are more effective than force.
“You could hang a list of the currently used curse words on the refrigerator when the grandparents come to visit. This might well provoke some productive discussions.”
Adolescents are best reached when you make it clear to them that good manners aren’t an end in themselves, but an expression of respect and appreciation, says Marion Wiemann, coordinator of an etiquette course by Malteser Hilfsdienst, a Catholic aid organisation in Germany that has been giving such courses in schools – taught by volunteers – in the diocese of Essen since 2011.
The courses prepare Year Nine and Ten pupils for situations that can set their future course, for example job interviews or formal dinners.
By role-playing, the adolescents learn standard forms of greeting as well as tips on body language, voice use, proper distance from their conversation partner and the effect of a firm handshake. Most of the boys and girls in Poetsch’s course have experienced adults displaying less than exemplary manners.
“What should I do when an adult is ill-mannered?” asks nine-year-old Joel, a question that the etiquette rules don’t really have an answer for.
“You remain polite,” she replies, “and form your own opinion.”