Will it last?

How to make a long-distance relationship work

THE longest distance Matthew Harris and Maya Thompson were ever apart was more than 20 hours in the air – or the amount of time it takes to fly from Chicago to Sydney, Australia.

That was in the beginning of their two-year relationship.

The couple both live in Chicago now, but for months, Harris, 24, and Thompson, 23, were in a long-distance relationship when she was finishing college in California and he was beginning his career in Chicago, and then when she was working temporarily in Sydney.

What happens when there are unexpected roadblocks that force a relationship to become long distance – like a job offer in a new city or someone wanting to move closer to family? All of a sudden, a budding courtship could become rooted in separate places.

How can you make a longdistance relationship go the distance?

When Harris and Thompson began dating in 2017, they had to think about new ways to communicate. Harris sent flowers; he sent text messages to friends asking them to pick up the bill at dinner, from him.

They promised to never go to bed upset, and to see each other about every other month.

Dana Dorfman, a psychotherapist in Manhattan, says couples should develop a routine.

“Oftentimes couples will ‘check in’ in the morning, and ‘check in’ in the evening,” she says.

“Having those predictable checkin points can provide anchors for communication and anchors for the relationship.”

In his Los Angeles practice, marriage and family therapist Allen Wagner works with clients who date long distance or who travel often, such as musicians.

He says that daters should know that when you’re seeing each other for weekend visits, it isn’t the same as being in the same place.

“When they do connect, it’s very intense and well-thought out,” he says. “It’s not always going to stay like that. It’s kind of like a summer fling.”

Dorfman suggests setting up expectations for visits. Maybe one person wants to have a low-key weekend, or wants to get out to exercise. “Otherwise, there could be competing desires and competing expectations that could have been preemptively ironed out.”

Harris and Thompson scheduled the times they would be able to see each other in advance, usually every other month.

Sometimes that meant missing things at work, or with friends or family.

And it’s good to set up talking time too. Consider something like organising FaceTime dates – maybe you cook together, or just know you’ll catch up at that time – so that you both prioritise the time.

Also, agree on an endgame, Dorfman says. “Know when there’s going to be an end to the long-term nature of it,” she says, even if it’s a general sense of when you’re likely to live in the same city.

Both Harris and Thompson say there were some positive sides to their time apart.

“I think that time alone is beneficial ... because it allows us to focus on ourselves, to develop ourselves,” Harris says.

Thompson agrees. “It is a time for you to really be growing,” she says.

“It makes you appreciate your partner more, but it also makes you appreciate everything you also bring to the table in a relationship.”

Dorfman says having your own life is critical. “You don’t want the relationship to necessarily detract from the quality of the rest of the life. You want it to enhance.”

Harris and Thompson agree that it’s important to live your own life. “You don’t ever want to feel like you’re the reason that your partner is stuck in time,” Thompson says.

They are pleased they took the time to live their own lives separately, though now they are also happy to be back together in Chicago.

“Having her back, it just feels like my heart is full,” Harris says. “Half of my heart was gone for so long.”