Caught between the traditional and the contemporary

Women have always worked; only that their work was never seriously appreciated by the male-dominated culture of our country

Religion and politics continue to challenge women and the paradox they offer them is a double bind they can hardly resolve if they continue to be tricked into believing that they have to choose and that they can do it without men. For me to write about women is never an insider’s perspective of course. Or is it, considering that I am the product of a family in which the parents’ roles were inverted.

The distribution of gender roles in Malta has been shifting from the traditional to accommodate current demands. In comparison, men’s roles have remained relatively the same – work, work and more work. Despite the campaigns and billboards, which I think were not good enough, only a handful of men actually moved towards androgyny and started involving themselves in their families. This is increasing the distance between husband and wife, thus creating increasing marital tension.

Many women feel their marriage deal is unfair as their work in the house is being topped by paid work outside. This is not only true for those women, normally over 40 and 50, who have stayed at home and now have to change their mindset and leave it for paid work, but also for those who enter the family with a completely different perception.

The recently married enter marriage with expectations around work and career for which they studied hard; little aware of the ‘maternal instinct’ to come.

It kicks in before the five years of marriage they had earlier predicted, probably because the woman married later than her 70s and 80s counterparts. So, earlier than predicted, women find themselves working outside the home, taking primary responsibility for rearing children, and also taking care of the home, thus experiencing traditional and current gender roles simultaneously. Many do not want to give up either going to work or rearing their children so they try to do both at the same time.

The psychological conflicts women undergo in maintaining a workfamily life balance are not without consequences; dilemmas of when to return to work after delivering the baby, the guilt feelings experienced for having to leave their newborn behind, the fear of losing their place in the race for promotion, and the financial burdens that ensue. In many cases however, the choice is easier as it has nothing to do with options but the fact that they cannot afford to stop working. In their attempt, therefore, to find a balance between the traditional and the contemporary women often feel betrayed by life itself which seems to make contrasting and paradoxical demands.

Yet, if we take a family perspective, where the partners’ resources are pooled and shared, there is no contrast really. Work and family life are naturally intertwined. In this acrobatic balance, men’s support is as essential for women’s success as is women’s support for men’s. However, men’s fear of being led by women seems reminiscent of the primordial fear of being castrated. As men continue to struggle to maintain, and perhaps increase their power they are inadvertently losing sight of the power of androgyny. It is time that we support men to realise that women can do better than men in many spheres and that accepting their power actually ameliorates their lives.

Where did a male-dominated culture take us after all? Wars, famine, injustice, pollution, failed economy, increased addictions, mental health problems, and crime, and more. Increasingly reflecting men’s search for further power over others, nature, and the universe, all these seem to me to be men’s struggle to affirm himself. It is perhaps time that men allow women to take charge, and hand over the reins of political power, or at least allow them real collaboration.

Women have already proved that they can do men’s work. Apart from being good at rearing children, women have proved themselves in many other areas. They are at least able to go out and work and continue to care for their children and families. They are also able to do work traditionally associated with men. But how would men fare if they had to face an inch of women’s dilemmas? By this in no way am I undermining men’s dilemmas either.

Charity begins at home, however, and this is an invitation, rather than an accusation. I know that many men are becoming more flexible and are increasingly appreciating the fruits of their homely contributions within their families. I am aware that many men carry out house chores as much as women do, and are with their children as much as women are. These men contribute to often happier families, happier wives, and become a role model to their children who one day will not have it fixed in their minds that men were born to provide financially and women to provide care. (I call these structural care and psycho-relational care because they both care). Hopefully, our children will talk about us as history: When nurses were women and doctors were men, where firemen were men and secretaries were women, and where politicians were men and their women shadow figures in the background.

I therefore invite men to rise to the challenge and think of what it is you can do at home to improve your gender role flexibility. I invite men to discuss their thinking with their spouse or partner and to listen to what she has to say without discarding it a priori. Not doing so is neglecting a part of their self which can flourish and enrich them. No matter how good they think they are there is always something which they can improve on or learn.

I also invite you women to come forth and voice your perceptions and constructions; to rise to the challenge of the unspoken language of power and give it words. Only women can help men unwind the macho mentality which works against them in the end, and embrace a more realistic and perhaps holistic and humanistic view of themselves.

I also invite the significant social and religious institutions to meet and discuss a sensible plan for the action needed. Only in this way can the confusion and paradoxical messages being sent stop doing more harm.