‘Anorexia is not considered macho’: how it feels to be a teenage boy suffering from an eating disorder

Rebekah Cilia Being 13 is not easy. You are on the precipice of puberty, trying to fit in with your school friends, desperately trying to find out who you are, even though who you are is constantly changing. It was at this age that Malcolm Portelli developed an eating disorder, an illness typically associated with women.

As a child, Malcolm did not care what he ate and was never interested in sports. Eventually, his weight increased to an unhealthy 85 kilograms, which for Malcolm’s height was considered overweight.

Being a chubby child is ‘cute’, Malcolm remarks, “but as a teenager it’s not cute anymore.” Girls enter the picture, along with rejection and bullying.

“Teenagers like to pick on each other, focusing on your most prominent feature. Mine was that I was fat,” Malcolm says.

He decided he wanted to do something about it and recalls that he initially took a healthy approach. Malcolm took more of an interest in sports, playing football during break time, going for a jog now and again, and watching what he was eating.

“It went downhill very fast,” Malcolm admits, noting that in just under a year he went from being healthy to not eating at all. The food decreased while the exercise continued to increase.

Malcolm was able to keep his eating disorder a secret for a while. At his worst, when he was 15 and starting sixth form, he weighed just 48 kilograms. “It was then that people started to notice, because it became obvious. You could see my ribs; every bone in my body.”

At this point, he would eat just an apple a day or maybe a small helping of ricotta cheese to keep him going. He would also exercise multiple times a day. Malcolm notes that he started with conventional diets but would think ‘I could cut this out too’ in an attempt to lose more weight.

No matter how much weight Malcolm lost, it was never enough. “You become obsessed with numbers, counting every calorie. I knew how many calories were in an apple or a slice of bread, adding everything up and making sure I was below a certain amount. That amount becomes less and less.”

Malcolm also comments that he was obsessed with weighing himself. He enjoyed seeing the pounds drop, but, in the mirror, “you still see someone who needs to lose more weight.”

“You are never happy because you look in the mirror and the person looking back at you does not meet your expectations.”

At this point, it became an effort for his friends to get him out of the house. “You start thinking, ‘A vodka coke has so many calories in it, and I cannot increase my calorie intake.’”

Apart from this, Malcolm felt very self-conscious, thinking everyone was looking at him and making fun of him. “The less you are in a room full of people, the better it is.”

It is a very isolating illness, Malcolm comments, saying that at that age, going out with your friends is usually the centre of your life. With anorexia, you do not want to meet anyone because you are afraid of what they might say, “especially when they were trying to get me to realise that something was wrong.”

His parents and friends tried to convince Malcolm he had an eating disorder but he would not accept it. The illness itself brings about mood swings and Malcolm used to be constantly tired. This, coupled with denial, led to Malcolm shouting and hurling abuse at those who cared about him.

“You think they are being cruel and trying to ruin what you are working for. You think they are trying to put you down. It is like an attack.”

The moments of happiness are few and far between Malcolm says, but the illness is like a drug with moments of happiness feeling like a high.

Luckily, his friends and family never gave up on Malcolm, and a cousin who he was close to at the time managed to convince him that something might not be right.

After this, Malcolm’s father took him to the polyclinic to get tests done to make sure that physically he was ok. His body was deteriorating but he did not need to be hospitalised or put on a feeding tube, although he was not far off.

He had to take meal supplements, which Malcolm admits he refused to take with the false promise that he would eat. Malcolm was taken to see a psychotherapist and through therapy, and with the help of his family and friends, he managed to get through it slowly.

“You are never fully cured. To this day, it is still on my mind. I still catch myself counting calories sometimes.”

His relationship with food, however, has changed and he manages to maintain a balance between eating healthily and exercising but not overdoing it. The guilt is still there, though, especially when he eats foods like chocolate and ice-cream.

Anorexia is all about control, Malcolm says, and he still needs to feel in control over his eating habits today by not eating after 8.00pm, for example. However, he knows how to let loose and enjoy the foods he wants to sometimes.

“Maintaining a healthy balance is important; eating healthily and exercising. Now if I want to eat my favourite food, which is pizza, I will do so at the weekend, without feeling any guilt.”

Malcolm talks about his experience with relative ease, only pausing to recall the details. Talking about it does not affect him as much as it used to, he comments. It has been 10 years since he got the help he needed and although he still thinks about it, it does not impede his life.

Although fewer men suffer from anorexia than women, Malcolm believes that many cases go undetected.

“You do not want to admit you have anorexia because in your mind anorexia is not a men’s issue.” When people were trying to convince Malcolm he had anorexia, he would not believe them because it was not something he believed he could suffer from as a male.

As a teenager, many boys want to be macho and Malcolm notes that “anorexia is as far from macho as you can get.” It is especially hard for men, he says, because not only is denial a common feature of the disease, but it is also associated with women.

Malcolm has recently launched a website to help others suffering from anorexia. Although many years have passed since his experience, the scars of the illness are still there. While he’s long wanted to set up the website, it is only now that he feels confident enough to do so.

“At first, I was not sure how I would do it; whether I could do it. But, in the end, I decided I had nothing to lose. What’s done is done. At least I can turn a bad experience into something positive.”

The website provides advice, stories from people who have suffered from an eating disorder, as well as articles from professionals. Malcolm felt that there was nothing of the sort online, especially considering the prolific use of the internet nowadays.

He hopes that people suffering from an eating disorder can benefit from the website and find the support they need. Malcolm did have a lot of support from his family and friends, and “it was only because of them that I managed to get through it,” but he says not everyone may have a strong support system.

Families of those suffering from eating disorders are also welcome to contribute to the website as Malcolm notes it is very hard for them too.

The website also provides a section on the resources available, including Dar Kenn Għal Saħħtek.

Malcolm’s website Eating Disorder Malta can be found at www.edsmalta.org

Malcolm Portelli