Negativity towards young people’s life choices has to stop
Anyone who has been in love understands intensity, instability, desperation. And the traditional society, as it watches young people “suffer” love, has reason not to trust their decision-making as they undergo this “condition” because love does not consider social mismatch, caste and religious barriers, financial security, future comfort, or personality match.
This is why most world societies had, at some point during their development, matchmakers, pre-planned marriages, and chose to override young people’s choices. Guided nuptials used to be common in most cultures and they are still common in our society and many developing or even developed societies (though they may not be made so ostensible). In today’s middle-class Nepal, social stigma is attached to partnerships or marriages made out of love fundamentally contradicting centuries-old practices of having multiple partners, polygamy, bigamy, carnal relationships (evidenced in century-old temple carvings), and sensual exploration. Young people in love are held up as dubious examples and when and if their relationship or marriage fails, there is glee and many “told you so” moments. Mishaps are used to demean-discourage-dissuade others who may let emotion rule over cold hard logic. When I was 14, in the hill village where my mother was the “dacterni” or “the doctor,” people, especially women and children, died during childbirth, due to treatable pneumonia, infections caused by farming tools. Having saved many lives, many trusted her. I saw her persuading families to carry women to Kathmandu so childbirth would not take their lives and that of their child, I stood by her side as she told the jhankri off for telling pneumonia patients not to take medication (the gods would be angry as medicines were unholy, he said), I avoided watching her treat horrid injuries to women’s hands caused by janto foot mills. I also piped in when she talked to women, asking them not to marry off their daughters before they came of age. Girls were often married off at 12 there even in the mid-80’s.
Many women listened to her, they did not marry off their girls at 11 or 12. A year passed and when I went to the village during the holidays, most of the girls who had not been married off had eloped, mostly into “inappropriate” marriages. Nirmala (name changed), a child of Saptari in eastern Nepal, also fell in love and married Ram three years ago. The marriage could be called totally inappropriate from the parental point of view but they gave in to her persuasion and passion. Love is indeed blind. As soon as Nirmala entered her groom’s home, she lost every freedom. She had to cover her head and face with a burka at all times. Her husband would never speak on her behalf in front of his family. She was not allowed outside the house without a male chaperon.
The flame of love settled, turned to embers and what warmth was left was about to die a desperate death when the family received visitors. It was these visitors that changed things: the social mobilizers of the “Rupantaran” program which works to help women and girls. Supported by the FCDO, Strengthening Access to Holistic, Gender Responsive, and Accountable Justice brought different ideas into a reluctant household. Persuasion and assurance led Nirmala, her in-laws and her husband to counselling sessions. Uncomfortable topics such as helping each other out around the home (why should only women clean and cook and wash?), discrimination between daughter and son (examples of girls who took care of aged parents while sons and daughters in law abandoned them), comfortable clothing even if burkas were required, education for women, their ability to make an income for the family, healthy and sanitary habits, were some of the topics that needed discussion.
Months passed, things changed so much that one day Nirmala emerged from home in suruwal kurta and went to the local college and enrolled herself in the health and population faculty to pursue a bachelor of education degree. Love that could have been another failed example to gloat over was rescued. Nirmala’s life became better as did that of her husband and in-laws. Another young woman of the family, Kumari, also followed in Nirmala’s footsteps and enrolled in college.
When Nirmala gave birth to a daughter, family members named her after a goddess and in-laws, who would have preferred a grandson, gave her love and care as Nirmala helped out at the family shop with her husband.
Yes, this was a single case of change but when new ideas permeate into the home, love spreads across the family: with a little help, the family changed forever. Perhaps the whole community will change soon as they watch Nirmala and her sister-inlaw go to college in suruwal kurta, as they talk to her and her husband at the shop. Perhaps they will realize that its worthwhile accepting the stirring of young hearts and help keep the love.
Pallav Ranjan of Spiny