Why is my teenager embarrassed by me?

A friend of mine is the father of a very almost-teenage girl. He told me about the time she wanted to get a hot chocolate with him before school and ducked below the car window on the way there, so no one from school would see her drive past with her dad. Because obviously that would be hideously embarrassing.

He of course had the rational (and slightly rejected) reaction of asking, “So, you want me to buy you a hot chocolate, even though you’re too ashamed to be seen with me?”

I can only imagine the eye rolls that ensued. It can be very upsetting when your teenager doesn’t want to be seen with you or seems embarrassed by you. Or, just hypothetically, when they ask you not to kiss them goodbye any more at school drop-off when they’re only in Year 2. (I’m fine, I’m fine.)

Just because your teen is rejecting you, though, doesn’t mean you reject them back. There is no ghosting in parenting. You have to be the bigger person, even if they are taller than you (really, I’m fine). Psychologist Dr Lisa Damour talks about teens, especially teenage girls, doing this and how it can be particularly upsetting for fathers. This is for the obvious and excellent reason that their mothers have actually been teenage girls. They see the process their daughters go through from the perspective of someone who has been through it and come out fine.

Dads are really important here. When dads don’t persevere with their teens, especially their daughters, this can lead to, er, ‘daddy issues’. And let’s not pretend that they don’t exist for sons as well. I mean, Oedipus is quite the complex.

This is where being a lighthouse parent is so important – there, constant, safe. At St Catherine’s

School in Sydney, we do surveys on student wellbeing, and this is what they consistently show: the first relationship to take a hit as your teenager individuates is the one with their parents. The second is with their teachers, and, finally, their friends.

And then they reconcile in the opposite order – friends, teachers, parents. In other words, you get the worst of your teen for the longest.

So, embrace how embarrassing you are. How unwoke, cringe-worthy and annoying you are. Know it is your constant love and support that will ensure they get through it, and that you come out the other side with a good relationship. And one day, they’ll be happy to walk down the street with you, past their peers. They might even buy you a hot chocolate.