Bullying can have dire results, say counsellors
There is more to the intimidation of others than just physical violence
Bullying can lead to “dire consequences” if not treated seriously, say two Bay of Plenty trauma counsellors. And a man who says he was bullied at high school has spoken of how the abuse he suffered had a dramatic impact on him.
The comments come after it was revealed last week Tauranga MP Sam Uffindell was asked to leave Kings College in 1999 after beating a boy late at night, allegedly with wooden bed legs.
Meanwhile, Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern yesterday said Labour will hold a special caucus meeting this week to discuss claims of bullying against the party by Hamilton West MP Dr Gaurav Sharma.
Tauranga’s Aroha Counselling owner Heather Cohen said she predominantly worked with young people aged 6 to 26 years suffering trauma, and 70 per cent of those clients reported being bullied at school, in their relationships or some in the workplace.
“Some people don’t appreciate the dire consequences of being bullied and how it impacts on the person’s feelings of self-worth. It can lead to some victims attempting suicide and, unfortunately, some do complete the act as they can no longer cope with the pain.”
Bullying had taken on new meanings with advancements in technology and some bullies felt they could say what they like on social media platforms, especially anonymously.
Some of the impacts of bullying as teenagers could mean the victim refused to go to school and reported mysterious physical complaints such as stomach aches, headaches, trouble sleeping or eating, and stopped talking to their friends or close family members.
“Bullying at school can lead to feelings of deep anxiety and incredibly low self-esteem in adulthood if not dealt with at the time. Sometimes it can lead to suicidal thoughts and it can be incredibly disruptive in families, especially if other family members don’t know it is happening or don’t fully understand what is going on.
“Bullies use their sense of power and supremacy over others and, if it isn’t addressed at the time, teenage bullies can end up being adult bullies.”
Cohen said she had worked as a trauma counsellor in five countries and, in her view, New Zealand rated the worst for people experiencing more overt bullying than anywhere else.
“Being told to toughen up or get over it is not the answer. Bullying in any form is not okay and sometimes the impacts can be long-lasting for the victims and their families.”
Cohen said the only way bullying would stop was when everyone treated it seriously and did something about it when they saw or heard it.
Irene Begg, from Talkin Headz Counselling, said she had been a trauma counsellor since 2009, previously in Rotorua and now in Whakatane.
“If you looked behind someone’s bullying behaviour it was usually a trait that was learned and probably find that they had been bullied, and had difficulty forming friendships.
“The bullied can often become the bully unless their behaviour is halted in its tracks. And hateful derogatory words are just as damaging, if not
more so, than physical abuse.”
Begg said some people failed to understand the “dire consequences” that bullying can have on victims who often keep quiet because they are made to feel weak if they report it. Sometimes victims fear speaking out will mean their situation getting worse, she said.
“It really affects victims’ sense of well-being and their sense of personal safety in the world and some people try to disappear into themselves and become as invisible as possible, which impacts their ability to form positive relationships with other people.
“Unfortunately some people struggle to deal with the pain and end up [taking their own lives].
“Bullies come from all walks of life. They live in our homes, sit next to us at work or school, and can be found among the people we like or consider good friends, and also those we look up to.”
Begg encouraged schools and teachers to intervene if they recognised bullying behaviour and get the bully into anger management counselling as soon as possible.
Western Bay of Plenty Principals’ Association president Suzanne Billington said bullying was a word often “bandied about” and having a common understanding of what bullying meant was important both in schools and beyond.
“Bullying is ongoing in nature, involves a power imbalance, it’s deliberate and harmful — either physically or emotionally or both.
“Schools work in partnership with students, staff and communities to develop policies and procedures that suit their school context, align with school values, promote respect and value diversity.
“Restorative, culturally responsive practices are used to enable all young people involved to learn positive strategies and feel issues are resolved. At times this involves ongoing work with tamariki, rangitahi, staff and whanau over time.”
Billington said serious incidents happened from time to time and schools may use stand-down protocols to enable school leaders and whanau to regroup and plan again for a way forward for young people. Suspension was an option but was not “used lightly”.
“It is important we remember that schools exist in a societal context and therefore are one part of the acrosssociety response to endeavour to eliminate bullying.
“Young people watch and learn about how to behave from the communities they belong to. Being young does mean making mistakes and being supported to learn from these and grow to participate positively in society in the future.”
Rotorua Principals’ Association president Gary Veysi said schools had clear policies and procedures in place to deal with incidents as they came up.
“Sometimes schools are unaware bullying is going on but as soon as it comes to our attention we speak to all the parties involved to find out why it is happening. Sometimes the situation is not as clear cut as you may first think and the lines get at a bit blurred but we treat all bullying incidents seriously and take a zerotolerance stance.”
The former bullying victim, now aged in his 30s, who would not reveal his name over privacy concerns, said a lack of action from school authorities enabled his bullies further.
“There was a quite toxic
environment of bullying and harassment by older boys at the high school I went to, especially if you were a smaller effeminate-looking boy, as I was,” the man said.
“The lack of any real action by the school managers enabled those who bullied me to feel even more superior and free to continue terrorising other scared younger boys.
“It got so bad for me that I used to hang out in the school library at lunchtimes and tried to make myself as invisible as possible so I was not cornered and abused.”
The man said the bullying knocked down his confidence, his feelings of self-worth and impacted future relationships.
“If I hadn’t been bullied I’m sure I would have become a more confident and outgoing person, and I would have advanced much faster in my profession and life in general.”
Bullies use their sense of power and supremacy over others and . . teenage bullies can end up being adult bullies. Heather Cohen