Seal training needed to handle this holiday

When the US Navy SEAL team are right at the beginning of their career, they go through a thing called hell week.

It’s a one-week training course that separates those with the fitness and mental tenacity to cut it from those who won’t make it through.

Most parents with one or two weeks off over the recent school holidays will have been through the parental equivalent.

Since my wife has recently returned to full-time employment, the onus was on me to endure Hell in the Home week.

Just like a new SEAL recruit, I went into it with some knowledge of what may lie ahead — a gruelling schedule full of things that would truly test my fitness and resolve.

■ Challenge one: The 200,000 I’m hungry challenge. A true stretching of mental patience, this challenge involves a rotating stream of children all announcing “I’m hungry” at different times. For extra toughness, one will ask immediately after another has just been fed and all bread and spreads are safely back in their cupboards.

■ Challenge two. The tramp bounce. At times it will seem like a good idea to find alternative activities for your squadron. Enter the trampoline, which seems like a good idea the first time, but make the game enjoyable enough and you will be asked to spend countless hours with your body on the line as you go another round of “Bucking Bronco”.

■ Challenge three. The I’m thirsty sleep deprivation challenge. At times during the week, you will be exhausted. Longing for the comfort of a nice warm bed and the relief of a good night’s sleep. This won’t happen. Instead, your squadron will rise, at every moment you think of laying down with an issue.

“I’m thirsty,” “I need the toilet,” “I heard a noise” and “I’m hot/cold/something in between” are all things you WILL hear and have to deal with.

Not to mention countless mini challenges. The tears because she took the one thing in the house that I was playing with despite the fact there are a million other things to play with challenge. You’re a terrible person because you won’t buy me the thing from the toy shop we were passing time in challenge. The there is no private bathroom time challenge.

Yes, parents, we have truly made it through Hell in the Home week.

Next school holidays I might just sign up to be a Navy SEAL. It might be easier!

■ Don’t miss Adam Green and Megan Banks on The Hits Hawke’s Bay from 6am to 9am, Monday to Friday.