Think Halloween’s scary? Try shopping with the kids

There’s no handbook for becoming a parent. Yeah, sure, there is a multitude of books on everything from sleep to skateboarding, and bad attitudes to basketball, but as far as I can tell there isn’t one to cover the things you learn only once the fruits of your loins are in the world, and costing you money.

We are entering the time of year when some of those unexpected expenses start to emerge. In spring, the money springs right out of your wallet, and in summer it becomes “gimmie summer dat money”.

If I were to write such a book, I’d add a chapter on unexpected holiday expenses. As Halloween looms ever closer, no trip to one of the department stores goes unhindered, as you now have to stroll past a veritable graveyard full of spooky accessories.

“Dad,” the kids will ask expectantly, “can we get one of these spooky half-spider half-clown animatronic walking light-up lawn ornaments? It’s only $79.”

“No. We are here for your new school shirt and that’s the only thing,” you’ll reply.

“Okay, but what about one of these light-up pumpkin patches complete with a skeleton hand that has a real reaching effect and candy pocket in the side?”

“That depends, can you wear it to school for term four?”

As you slowly progress up the aisle, kids making sure to press every try-me button on the way, the electronics make way for the Halloween treats.

All manner of scary-shaped sugar lines the sides of your journey — jelly fingers, marshmallow ghosts, and vampire chocolate all get their turn to be asked for as you throw nos in the wind like Freddy Mercury in Bohemian Rhapsody. “No, No, No, No, NO NO NO. Oh mamma mia, mamma mia let me go.”

An abrupt left turn takes you on what you thought was a safer path into the clothing area, only to discover it’s covered in costumes they’ll wear precisely one time before it joins the wardrobe of costumes of years gone by.

“Daaaaaad, this zombie bride is only $25, pleeeease Dad it’s what I always wanted to go as.”

Yeah right. You think. Yesterday you wanted to be a hot dog. And just when you think it’s all done, you emerge from the costume area to see the scariest sight of all. The advent calendars and chocolate Santas are already on display. I can feel the wallet quivering in fear already.

Make sure to tune in to Adam Green and Megan Banks on The Hits Hawke’s Bay from 6am to 9am, Monday to Friday.