Ads’ c claims mind-boggling

OMG! Another one! Remember back a couple of weeks to “Life’s so good without psoriasis” and a product that dealt with “seven kinds of damage” to your hair.

OMG! Another one! Remember back a couple of weeks to “Life’s so good without psoriasis” and a product that dealt with “seven kinds of damage” to your hair.

Well, imagine my shock! There was I still getting over those startling revelations when I heard a new one as part of another TV commercial.

It is no exaggeration to say I recoiled in horror when I heard that my hair could have “inactive follicles”!

Now, I know what some of you are saying but there’s just no need for that sort of nasty talk. I shall carry on undaunted.

The commercial’s content caused a number of pressing questions to spring to mind: How can I stimulate these follicles? Does Donald Trump have overactive follicles?

What exactly are follicles anyway?

My research started with the last of these questions. Apparently they are sacs from which hairs grow and into which the sebaceous glands open.

Now, just what sebaceous glands are I shudder to think so I ended my research there. I certainly didn’t want to get into a weird area.

Right then, as if on cue, the TV threw out another shocker. It claimed that brushing your teeth only kills 25 per cent of germs. I was aghast! That meant that 75 per cent were still active (or perhaps 50 per cent were still active and 25 per cent undecided).

The product, which I shall refer to as Mouth Stuff (MS for short), apparently deals with the other 75 per cent. That’s a lot of per cents for one product to deal with!

I checked the MS website. “You see, germs can be nasty little things and get everywhere — on your tongue, gums and even on the roof of your mouth. Left to their own devices they can develop into plaque.” Crikey!

Would you believe that the print medium then joined in! I read the following’ imperative which I have not altered in any way except to add a hyphen: “Don’t let ear wax ruin your well-deserved holiday!”

Frightening. The world is full of horrible possibilities and advertisers are not about to let us forget that.

If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em, I thought. I decided to take some alarming facts and show ad writers that I might be worth employing. Here is a sample of my work.

Do you know that you have a onein-423,548 chance of dying from falling out of bed? Our new simple-to-clip-on bedrails could save your life. $99.99 buys you peace of mind and restful slumber.

The figures for dying from falling from a ladder are much the same. Don’t take any chances. Call Ladder Away today and we will come and whisk your ladder away and destroy it. Surcharge applies for extension ladders.

There are 10 times more bacteria cells in your gut than there are cells in your body. The bacteria cells are just much smaller. Our new 400x spectacles are so powerful you will be able to see the bacteria. Buy now and get a set of steak knives absolutely free.

Do you know that you already have (or will have at some stage in your life) eyelash mites? Our new Close Shave removes the problem. Be sure to discard lashes carefully to avoid reinfestation.

In USA, six people a year die from their nightwear catching fire. Reduce the risk with our new fire-retardant No-burn Jamas. They may be heavy but they are worth their weight in peace of mind.

So, ad writers, I think I’ve proved my worth. Give me a call and I’ll help you out. (Offer applies for one week only. Conditions apply. Ask the bill payer first. May contain traces of nuts.)

Now, just what sebaceous glands are I shudder to think . . .