Real Rea blokes wear aprons
If you don’t drink beer while cooking at the barbecue, I’m afraid you’re not going to make it through the masculinity test. And let’s be clear that “lite” beer does not qualify. Nor does rose wine.
It’s that time of year when persons of the female persuasion are getting their body ready for summer. Essential words and phrases here are “bikini line”, “taut”, “carbs” and “pinot gris”. Also, “Does my butt look big in this?”
Men, on the other hand, are already beyond help so have resigned themselves to the frontal overhang and the builder’s bum at the rear (well, that’s the usual placement). The key word here is “beer”.
But, thankfully, there is an area in which men can show off their masculinity and it’s one women should leave well alone: Barbecue management. Now is the time to get started, men.
First, you need to consider the cleanliness of your barbecue. Over winter, last summer’s crud will have grown quite hard and little colonies of spiders will have set up home in hidden corners. Leave well alone.
If the cleanliness situation is dire and you need to resort to buying a new barbecue, make sure the words “Some assembly required” appear on the packaging. Nothing will show off your masculinity as successfully as a bit of do-it-yourself prowess.
The end of the first day should see you clutching an instruction book, surrounded by random parts and sending out for pizza.
I promise you the second day will be better and soon you’ll be ready for the next stage, selecting an apron. It should be one with a slogan and, if the slogan involves the word barbecue, it should be wrongly spelt — barbeque is a common variant.
Some suitable slogans without this key word might be:
Captain Cook
Stand back — Dad is cooking Grill sergeant
Prick with a fork
If you would rather do away with words on your apron because you find that tacky, go for a tasteful image. You can’t go wrong with a bikini-clad female torso.
You can even get aprons which have little pockets built in. They are sized to hold tongs, smoked hickory sauce, a pepper grinder and a beer bottle (the sauce and pepper grinder compartments can alternatively be used for back-up beer).
If you don’t drink beer while cooking at the barbecue, I’m afraid you’re not going to make it through the masculinity test. And let’s be clear that “lite” beer does not qualify. Nor does rose wine.
Once you’re confident that someone else has purchased the food, made salads and desserts, organised plates, cutlery, glasses, serviettes, bread, condiments and suitable wines, it’s time to whack some meat on the pre-heated grill plate.
It’s now that you’ll need to expend some male energy. You need to prod and turn, prod and turn, prod and turn with vigour. It should be a veritable pitchfork attack. You’ll know you’ve done it enough when you see litres of juices escaping from the items and flaring up on the flames below.
This is known as the conflagration stage and is essential to the overall ambience of your outdoor event. Try to keep your guests downwind of the conflagration so they can be tantalised by the aromas you are creating.
If someone comes up and tells you that your constant prodding is letting all the valuable juices escape, just tell them you’ve done this before and you know what you are doing.
It will seem a long time coming but at last comes the moment everybody else has been waiting for — time to go home.
Of course there is clearing up to do afterwards but this is best left to someone else. You’ve done your bit and your maleness is intact.
“Barbecue may not be the road to world peace, but it’s a start.”