‘Mahalo’ to Christopher Luxon
‘Mahalo,” Labour MPs chirped at regular intervals yesterday in Parliament, which has turned into something of an unofficial Hawaiian language week courtesy of National leader Christopher Luxon’s mid-winter sojourn to Hawaii.
The Prime Minister wouldn’t talk about it, but she seemed more than happy for her Deputy Prime Minister Grant Robertson, the minister of the roast, to do so.
News that Luxon had been in Hawaii while his Facebook posts purported to show him as being in Te Puke was always going to be too much to resist.
On Robertson’s desk was a photo of Maui with a massive kiwifruit photoshopped on it. There was also a copy of Andrea Vance’s Blue Blood book, chronicling the last five leaders of the National Party.
He began his speech yesterday with, “Mahalo, aloha, talofa and warm Te Puke greetings to you all.”
He tried to paint Luxon as out of touch with ordinary people, saying that while Luxon might go to Hawaii each July, his own July tradition was realising he had forgotten to clean the guttering as it tipped down outside.
Then he turned his attentions to Blue Blood, drawing attention to comparisons between Luxon and his mentor Sir John Key.
Robertson compared Luxon to a cheap knock-off of a designer bag, saying he had been in Hong Kong a few years ago “or maybe it was
Hamilton, it’s hard to know” and someone had tried to sell him a handbag. They assured him it was a genuine copy.
“Christopher Luxon is the genuine John Key copy. The fake Gucci leader, fading in the sunlight. Under a bit of pressure, the weak stitching is fraying.”
He ended with an apt historical allusion in National Party lore. “Surf’s up, the Te Puke bypass is being built.”
Back in 1998 the group of MPs which helped Dame Jenny Shipley roll Jim Bolger dubbed themselves the “Te Puke Bypass committee” to facilitate secret meetings. (National subsequently funded the actual Te Puke bypass.)
Luxon had wisely left before Robertson’s speech, but one of the lesser-known requirements for a leader is the ability to laugh at yourself, and Luxon had the opportunity to test that all day. Others certainly laughed at him.
Memes started circulating. One was Hawaiian-born former US President Barack Obama’s birth certificate with Te Puke listed as the place of birth.
Not for Luxon the usual sharing of his holiday snaps — he wanted to talk about anything but.
The holiday meant he could hardly rely too much on wringing his newly tanned hands for the “Kiwi battlers” facing a cost of living crisis.
He plumped for truancy instead, tackling the PM on slumping school attendance rates and refusing to accept it was largely due to illness and the Omicron outbreak (about half of it was, however). Ardern defended it, pointing out the Government’s funding to get school attendance back to 2015 levels.
“Mahalo!” Aupito William Sio called out — only to get told off by the Speaker for taking his mask off to do so.
The Green Party certainly had reason to thank Luxon for providing a distraction from their own leadership woes, as MP after MP was interrogated on whether they would stand against James Shaw for the vacant co-leader slot.
In that regard, Green Party MP Teanau Tuiono called a press conference to announce that he had nothing to announce: he was still weighing up whether to contest the leadership.
Christopher Luxon is the genuine John Key copy. The fake Gucci leader, fading in the sunlight. Under a bit of pressure, the weak stitching is fraying. Deputy Prime Minister Grant Robertson