BABY ADOPTION HEARTBREAK
Would-be parents left in limbo as number of children for adoption drops to all time low. By Sarah Harris.
Ankita Majumder and her husband, Richard Henderson, rattle around their beautiful home. They have good jobs, loving friends and family but feel empty.
Sometimes seeing pregnant women gets to Majumder, 39, who can’t hold back tears. After more than a decade of failed fertility procedures and a disheartening experience looking at adoption, the West Auckland couple have turned to surrogacy.
“The house feels empty. We’d rather have kids waking us up at 5am.
“We just want to share what we have and teach them what we know. To have a legacy and leave something behind. We have what it takes to make a child really happy.”
Majumder had five miscarriages and underwent five rounds of artificial insemination, two rounds of in-vitro fertilisation, eight embryo transfers, ovulation induction (trying to increase ovulation with medication) and ovarian drilling.
In 2013, the heartbroken couple turned to adoption. They attended an information evening with Child Youth and Family (CYFS). “We were told that there are not enough babies to place in open adoption,” Majumder told the Herald on Sunday.
Like many for whom advances in fertility treatment have failed, Majumder and Henderson had hoped adoption was the answer.
But the number of children available through adoption has dropped to an all-time low in New Zealand.
The couple looked at home and abroad but faced microscopic chances, $60,000 fees and qualified only for a child aged over 5 with a physical or mental disability.
“You can have your profile ready waiting for some mother to take a look at it but nobody puts their child up for adoption any more,” says Majumder. “You may get lucky or you may never get lucky.”
Majumder and Henderson’s story is increasingly familiar. Today 600 families are on the Ministry of Vulnerable Children’s books, hoping to adopt. But there are not enough to go around — last year only 128 local children were adopted. That’s a third of the number 10 years ago.
Adopting from overseas is on the rise but New Zealand only has agreements with seven countries and there is mountains of red tape to get through with lengthy waits, massive bills and court cases in other countries to negotiate.
Adoptions peaked in 1971 when almost 4000 children were rehomed in New Zealand, according to CYFS figures. By 1998 the number was down to less than 600.
One adoption expert said only a worldwide disaster would increase the number of children needing to be rehomed.
It is, of course, a double-edged sword. No one wants a world with high numbers of displaced children, but at the same time, growing levels of infertility are leaving would-be parents in limbo. Figures from support organisation Fertility NZ show one in four Kiwis will experience infertility in their lifetime, defined as not getting pregnant after 12 months of trying. Five years ago it was one in six.
Factors such as couples trying to conceive later in life and increasing obesity have contributed to this and every year, more than 5000 couples see a fertility specialist for the first time.
As with increasing infertility, the decline of adoption is an “international phenomenon” that would take World War III to change, says Beth Nelson, Ministry for Vulnerable Children team leader.
Nelson has worked in adoption since the 1980s and says more children are displaced in unsettled times.
“Unless there’s a worldwide disaster I can’t say adoption will be any more appealing than it is now. It’s a huge decision.”
At any one time, the ministry has 600 families waiting to adopt.
“But we don’t have 600 babies available. Never in a million years,” Nelson says.
“It’s a major thing to give away a child for adoption, you lose your parental rights. Most people believe children are best raised in their own family.”
Christchurch woman Sophie Clarke* and her husband Liam are among the lucky ones. After four years in the adoption pool, in 2014 they were selected and given “the greatest gift on the planet”.
When a child comes up who could be a match, prospective parents are ushered into a room. Clarke, now 41, remembers it being awkward and competitive.
“You hear about those children and imagine them in your home. When you don’t get them it’s devastating. “It’s like being on a roller coaster.” A social worker told the couple early on their chances were slim. The roller coaster included being rejected twice for two different siblings.
Clarke wanted to pull out but her husband urged her to give it six more months. “Six weeks later a social worker contacted us. An adoption situation had come up and our profile matched what the birth mother was looking for.”
They had planned to go to South Africa for Christmas but the baby was due at the end of December. It wasn’t guaranteed they would get the child but they “decided to go for it” and cancel their trip.
The birth mother was a solo mum who already had three children and did not want any more.
Their baby was premature. After a few weeks in intensive care the Clarkes were able to bring Lilly* home. Clarke said she connected straight away with her daughter.
“I always had concerns about bonding, whether I would feel like she is my child. But it’s an instinct. You’re protective straight away.”
The couple paid $3500 for the adoption, which covered their lawyer and one for the birth mum. The only other cost was getting a full medical test done every three years to stay in the adoption pool.
A prospective family can wait in the pool for a month or forever, Nelson says.
“The birth parents make the decision. They select ‘Mr and Mrs White because something resonates for us’.
“That is a pretty amazing, fantastic thing for the adopted parents. They’ve been chosen by the parents and have a huge responsibility to be the best parents they can be.
“It’s also a thing that’s sad.
It’s not a decision being made lightly. They’re relinquishing this child.”
Reasons women put their child up for adoption usually include unplanned pregnancies and not having the support of the birth father, or it could be a couple who completed their family and couldn’t handle another child, Nelson says. “It’s not always your pregnant teenager.”
Women having fewer unplanned pregnancies is one reason behind a drop in the number of children placed for adoption.
Contraception, combined with education, has become more reliable. That environment is also cited for abortions dropping to the lowest rate in 25 years.
Abortions peaked in 2003 with 18,500 carried out, last year that had fallen to 12,800.
Family Planning chief executive Jackie Edmond believes long-acting forms of contraception like the IUD or implant were contributing to fewer accidental pregnancies.
“They’re less open to human error. Ultimately, there’s less of everything, less abortions and less children.”
The growth of social welfare has meant more young mums can afford to keep their children, even if they don’t have their family’s support.
New Zealand has adoption agreements with seven countries through the Hague Convention, including Chile, China, Hong Kong, India, the Philippines, Lithuania and Thailand.
This is the area of growth in adoptions — 745 children were adopted from overseas last year. Ten years ago that number was just 344.
But it is complex, time-consuming and expensive. Each country has its own requirements and process.
Majumder and Henderson looked abroad after realising it was unlikely they would be chosen for domestic adoption. They decided on India — Majumder’s ancestral home — but were told they were only eligible for a child over 5 who had a mental or physical disability. They would only find out which disability when the child was selected. They decided not to proceed with India. An attempt to adopt from Lithuania fell through due to a hefty price tag. Majumder estimated it would cost $60,000 — for flights, accommodation, a home study and legalities here and in Lithuania.
“It puts your life into limbo, you don’t know when it’s going to happen,” says Majumder. “The journey has already been so long.”
For many couples there is hope in the form of Inter-Country Adoption New Zealand. Director Wendy Hawke has overseen the organisation for 23 years after she adopted four children from Russia.
Hawke says it usually takes 6-18 months to go through the process. It costs about $10,000 but travel, visas, passports, legal fees, translators and other costs can blow this out by thousands.
The adoptive couple go through a course then complete a police check, medical check, reference reports and social worker visits. The social worker then recommends the couple as suitable to adopt and writes up a lengthy report.
This goes with other documentation to the country of adoption. Sometimes there’s a court hearing in the foreign country and the ministry has to approve the child who is selected.
When the adoption is approved the prospective parents travel to the country and stay there for over two weeks. A social worker then visits the family in their home for up to four years after the child is brought back to New Zealand.
Icanz has helped facilitate around 1000 adoptions in the past 30 years.
For Majumder and Henderson, however, it is time to move on.
They gave up their adoption dreams last year and contacted the Herald to find a surrogate in a last attempt to have their family.
After their story was published they were flooded with 30 responses. But only four women decided to pursue that further.
They are in discussions with two of them.
“If this doesn’t work our journey is finished. We are not going to try for a child any more.”
* Names have been changed.