This century’s most annoying celebrities
takes to task the celebrities and micro-stars he’s seen and heard enough of since the dawn of the millennium
The people on this list aren’t evil. They’re not criminals. They’re just extremely annoying. And they seem to be annoying everywhere all the time.
The list doesn’t include the likes of Donald Trump, Boris Johnson or most local politicians, because they get enough attention already.
It consists of people who either came to prominence or have extended their visibility well into the 21st century. It is in no particular order.
1. AT, bureaucrats on a mission. Okay, they’re not paid to be great communicators, but they could stop digging up roads long enough to give us some clue as to what the hell is going on. 2. Kim, a Kardashian.
3. Kris, another Kardashian. 4. Khloe´, another Kardashian. (The accent on the e´? Really?)
5. Kylie, another Kardashian.
6. Kanye, another Kardashian (Basically).
7. Kourtney, another Kardashian. Nearly there.
8. Caitlyn, another Kardashian.
9. Diana, Princess of Wales (deceased). Technically, I know, not a person in the 21st century but her example is still held up as a model for how we should behave in a world that’s already much more complicated than the one that she left so suddenly. The Diana model is no longer fit for any kind of purpose.
10. The Dalai Lama, haver and eater of cake. Still going strong. How would we feel about
Nelson
Mandela and his fight for his people’s
Paul Little paul@hos.co.nz
independence if he had conducted it not by being in jail for 27 years but by jetting around the world, hanging out with celebrities, muttering platitudes and giggling?
11. Architects, trained professionals. They do know we have to look at those buildings, don’t they? Some of us even have to try to get around them in our wheelchairs or with our walkers.
12. Owners of empty homes, parasites. Although they are not single-handedly responsible for a housing crisis, what with a capital gains tax regime and other measures that encourage it, they singlehandedly would be able to fix most of it.
13. William and Kate, heirs. Remind us again
— what exactly is it that you do?
14. Harry and Meghan, spares (pending).
Looking forward to seeing you enjoy that quiet life of anonymity while building up your trademarked
Sussex brand.
15. Shannon
Harris, social media microinfluencer.
That says it all really. Sample influence (sans emojis and hashtags, abridged): “Woweeee Christchurch! You went off
— thanks for all of the love at my meet-up today! such a fun afternoon!
I can’t wait to edit my vlog lol . . . ”
16. The Rolling Stones, Fleetwood Mac, The Eagles, Kiss, extremely senior musicians. When will you people have enough money? Just because you can keep busting your chops or whatever you call it into your 70s and can mime the solos while the guy behind you is playing, doesn’t mean you should. It’s not compulsory.
17. Gwyneth Paltrow and Emma Watson, actors. With the former’s “conscious uncoupling” and the latter’s “self-partnering”, we are on the cusp of a wave of self-regarding explanations about life choices that no one asked for in the first place.
18. The How to Dad Guy, social media sensation. The last person to get so much mileage out of one joke was Norman Gunston. Okay, nonBoomers — look it up.
19. Billionaires, wealthy people. There are now 2153 of you, according to Forbes. Your total net wealth was US$8.7 trillion this year, up from less then US$1 trillion at the start of the century.
We know what you’re doing. Pay some
tax.
20. Queen, the band. Well, technically, the remnants of a band. Queen without Freddy Mercury is a bit like The Beatles without George Harrison, John Lennon, Paul McCartney or Ringo Starr. Talk about flogging a dead lead singer and creative driving force. They were pretty bad with Freddie Mercury, they’re even worse without him.
21. Shayne Carter, memoirist. The musician’s widely acclaimed Dead People I Have Known was much commented upon for its description of a long-running feud with Neil Finn, apparently just for being Neil Finn.
22. Martin Scorsese, film-maker. Took advantage of Netflix to make The Irishman, a film he has already made at least 87 times in his career but never before at the unprecedented length of 209 minutes. In the same breath, he criticised Marvel movies, basically for being fun and “not cinema”. 23. Justin Trudeau, formerly woke prime minister of Canada. The number of white men who have actually gone to the trouble of putting on blackface even once is very, very small.
Trudeau has done it three times that we know of. That’s not a mistake — that’s pathological.
24. Helen Mirren, actor. Not that she might have delusions of grandeur, but in recent years she has played Elizabeth I and II, Catherine the Great and seemingly every queen ever known, except the band. Don’t expect to see her as a plucky underdog campaigning for seniors’ rights and uncovering corruption in a rest home anytime soon.
25. Meryl Streep, acting legend. It was fine until she started singing.
26. Anti-vaxxers, campaigners. For their grace, their willingness to listen, their independent thought in the face of the entire body of scientific knowledge and for the gift of measles. Polio is apparently warming up and looking forward to getting back in the killing children game.
27. Mike McRoberts, television presenter.
How do you know when Mike McRoberts has been to a war zone? Don’t worry — he’ll tell you.
28. Dom Harvey, radio presenter.
How do you know
Dom Harvey’s latest marathon time? Don’t worry, he’ll tell you.
29. Lord Sir Peter Jackson the first of Miramar, former film-maker. The local body politics, the World
War I exhibition.
How about another decent movie? We liked it when you made those. We’d even settle for something as good as LOTR.
30. The Project, cool people on tele. In their defence, and to be scrupulously fair, when one of the presenters breaks character to deliver a heartfelt piece to camera about something that matters deeply to them personally, you’ve forgotten about it by the next day.
31. Auckland’s department store Santa, heritage marketing tool. The poor old dear is finally being given the heave-ho because people think he is creepy. And once you get that label, it’s awfully hard to shift. Ask a clown.
32. Kim Hill, icon. Needlessly elongated syllable after needlessly elongated syllable. Vowels stretching from here till the end of the month. The laughter at jokes only she can hear. What was in those old Public Service agreements? 33. Mediaworks, network vendors. The fate of TV3 has been dragged out longer than a Coronation Street plotline involving Ken Barlow having an affair. Please, can we just get it over with? 34. Big game fishers, sadists. Stop torturing fish.
35. David Seymour, Act MP. What passes for edgy in Epsom. 36. Brian and Hannah Tamaki, bishop and politician. The sort of people who give money a bad name.
37. Don Brash, fearless campaigner. You know the guy in The Sixth Sense who doesn’t realise he’s dead and just keeps talking to people, even though no one can see or hear him? 38. Scott Morrison, Australian Prime Minister. With all due respect, what a munter.
39. Clarke Gayford, television presenter. Hang on — where did he go?
40. And finally, Your Spouse, significant other. According to University of Michigan research we find our spouses more annoying than anyone including friends and other family members. The reasoning is that, not only do we have more time with them that can be used to annoy, but that they are the people with whom we are most likely to share our feelings, negative as well as positive. And that can be really annoying.