A survival guide for terrible meetings

Hopefully, before long we will get away from the awkwardness of wearing pyjamas to online video chats and return to the good old days of meetings about meetings.

They may be a much-maligned forum for exchanging gossip, germs and cracked water glasses, but without meetings where would we be? We all need a day full of backto-back aimless talkfests to remind us of what business is all about.

Here are a few basic principles in case you’ve forgotten how they work:

The venue

Tradition dictates that all meetings be held in an inappropriately small room with a faulty air-conditioning system. There should be one chair less than the number of attendees and preferably another that collapses 10 minutes into the session. The audiovisual system should intermittently crash requiring somebody called Graham to come down and fix it. Graham will eventually turn up, press a random button and the system will work perfectly. Sixty seconds after he’s gone it will break down again.

Why are you having the meeting?

This important question is usually overlooked. Somebody should have a clear idea of what the meeting is meant to achieve otherwise it’s very difficult to tell when it’s finished. Ideally, the purpose should be announced at the beginning of the meeting and then repeated whenever anyone starts talking about what happened last night on Succession.

Attendees

It’s important that all the right people turn up. I’d suggest the order of precedence below:

1) Someone who knows how to use the coffee machine.

2) Graham. You’re going to need him eventually, he might as well be there from the start.

3) The boss. Without them, any outcome will be ignored because it wasn’t their idea. (Also those just below the boss will take advantage and behave like dicks.)

4) The do-ers. It’s good to have the people there who can immediately tell you that what you decided is unworkable nonsense. Obviously you’ll ignore these petty protests, but it makes them feel included. 5) Juniors. Most meetings have minions who just sit there bored and never say a thing. Without this training they would never know that meetings are places where they just sit there bored and never say a thing.

The agenda

Apparently, a concise and rigidly adhered-to agenda will keep the meeting on track and ensure a fruitful session. I say “apparently” because I’m yet to see a meeting with one.

Pre-meeting banter

A few minutes of random chat will help everyone settle in. Do not confuse this with the meeting itself and wander off as soon as everyone’s stopped talking about the best fishing spots and who will misbehave most at the Christmas party.

The person who speaks the most will think it is a good meeting

It’s always best to reserve plenty of speaking time for the most senior person attending. If, an hour and a half later, they’re still droning on about “group protocols on the implementation of cyber-security” it’s the responsibility of the most junior person present to feign a noisy illness allowing everyone else to sneak off while pretending to call an ambulance.

Don’t talk over people

The only thing that people hate more than being talked over by someone else is if it’s pointed out that they themselves are the ones doing the talking over. If anyone has discovered a polite way of resolving this, please let me know.

Boss ghosting

If you’re a boss, the tiresome meeting is easily avoided. Five minutes in, leap out of your seat clutching your phone saying: “Sorry, I must take this

There should be one chair less than the number of attendees.

one, carry on without me!” Don’t let anybody see that your phone screen is blank, then sit in the toilet looking at Facebook until you’re sure the meeting is over.

Sleeping

Sleeping in meetings is generally frowned upon by the other participants. The exception is when everyone is asleep in which case make just make sure someone has set an alarm, so you’ll know when to go home.

Prior engagements

If you need to leave early I suggest you organise another meeting to be run in the same room 15 minutes after yours has started. The new people will start fighting over who has precedence over the meeting room, and who the muffins belong to. Slip away in the confusion. (It was much easier when we worked from home and could get out of Zoom meetings by setting fire to the house.)

I hope these suggestions will help you ease back into the rhythms of the office without too much friction. I may only have touched the surface of meeting etiquette here, so if you feel you’ve missed something, I’ll send around an invite for a meeting to go over the remainder.

●Paul Catmur worked in advertising at a quite good level across New Zealand, the UK and Australia including co-founding an agency in Auckland. This is a series of articles about how to make the best out of maybe not being the best.