HOW TO GET N OT IC E D

Idealog - - THE IDEALOG -

Per­cep­tion is ev­ery­thing in busi­ness. And per­cep­tions are shaped by what people ex­pe­ri­ence in the real world and by what they see and hear in the me­dia. As we’ve seen with re­cent po­lit­i­cal events, feel­ings reg­u­larly trump facts, so here’s how to gain at­ten­tion and cre­ate pos­i­tive per­cep­tions of your brand. As Don Draper fa­mously said: “If you don't like what's be­ing said, change the con­ver­sa­tion.” And, sim­i­larly, if noth­ing is be­ing said, make sure you give them some­thing to talk about by fol­low­ing this handy ad­vice. Look at ev­ery­thing through a brand lens.

Go to your local op­tometrist and have your com­pany’s logo lasered onto your cornea, so that’s all you see, all day, ev­ery day. Only then can you make de­ci­sions with your com­pany’s true pur­pose in mind.

Use your brand name as a verb:

Google, Fris­bee, Hula Hoop. Hacky Sack … There's no greater recog­ni­tion for a brand than get­ting "verb­ified." So just start us­ing your com­pany name in con­ver­sa­tion at ev­ery op­por­tu­nity. Even if it makes very lit­tle sense, you’ll still be get­ting your brand out there into the world.

Con­duct elab­o­rate, highly dan­ger­ous stunts:

Suc­cess­ful en­trepreneurs like Elon Musk and Richard Bran­son un­der­stand the im­por­tance of grab­bing at­ten­tion for new launches. But in­stead of pay­ing for ad­ver­tis­ing to get their mes­sage in front of an au­di­ence, they tend to pay for stunts that other people want to do sto­ries about, whether it’s putting cars in space, or driv­ing across the English chan­nel in a tuxedo. But to re­ally grab the head­lines, you need to put your­self in real dan­ger like they did in the old days. So try to jump your branded mo­tor­bike across a ravine, go over a wa­ter­fall in a branded bar­rel, or tie your­self up in chains and at­tempt to get out of a branded box filled with wa­ter. Note: flash­mobs are dead.

Fake your own death.

We all know dead people do bet­ter fi­nan­cially (if you’re a hugely suc­cess­ful mu­si­cal megas­tar), so go sail­ing by your­self, aban­don ship, swim to shore, buy some fake IDs from a gang mem­ber, stock up on sup­plies, go on the run, get your griev­ing fam­ily to men­tion the com­pany name through a veil of tears dur­ing the press con­fer­ence and watch the sales start rolling in.

Man­u­fac­ture a wardrobe mal­func­tion at a ma­jor event.

Just as the man­u­fac­tured pizza rat video cap­tured the at­ten­tion of the world, so too could you cap­ture your cus­tomers’ at­ten­tion through strate­gic nu­dity. Wait for a ma­jor in­ter­na­tional fig­ure to visit New Zealand, rig up an elab­o­rate pul­ley sys­tem and at­tach it to your pants and, just be­fore they shake your hand, let ‘em drop to re­veal a pair of branded undies. The in­ter­na­tional me­dia will lap it up and, while you will be a laugh­ing stock, you’ll also be laugh­ing at all the stock you’ve sold.

Cor­po­rate rap­ping.

Hip-hop is the world’s dom­i­nant mu­si­cal style. So tap into that pop­u­lar­ity and go vi­ral by show­ing what your com­pany can of­fer in rap form.

Cre­ate ridicu­lous, at­ten­tion­grab­bing brand ex­ten­sions:

If Elon can cre­ate a tun­nel­ing com­pany or sell out of flamethrow­ers, your land­scap­ing com­pany can def­i­nitely cre­ate a new soap range called Eth­nic Cleans­ing that is hand­made by refugees, for refugees.

Ma­nip­u­late data.

Fake news is good news when it comes to per­cep­tion shift­ing. So cre­ate a sim­ple Face­book quiz that shows people what kind of log they’d be af­ter an­swer­ing a few ques­tions, suck up the data, get ac­cess to their and all their friends’ ac­counts and then post about how much they love your com­pany. Who needs to pay in­flu­encers to spruik your wares when you can use il­le­gally ac­cessed so­cial me­dia ac­counts?

Cre­ate a scan­dal.

The only thing worse than be­ing talked about, is not be­ing talked about. So get ex-em­ploy­ees to come out of the wood­work and tell the me­dia that you have bro­ken many HR, food prepa­ra­tion and al­co­hol pro­duc­tion laws and cre­ated a cul­ture of de­prav­ity. Ask for for­give­ness. Of­fer an ‘apol­ogy’ that shows no sign of re­morse. Buy search terms like 'sex­ual ha­rass­ment' and watch the traf­fic roll in.

Live your brand.

Or, more ac­cu­rately, live with your brand con­stantly by get­ting it tat­tooed on your fore­head.

Hi, I’m the Idea Log, Idea­log's spirit 'an­i­mal'. Did you know wood prod­ucts are New Zealand’s third big­gest ex­port earner? You did? Well, given your sur­pris­ing knowl­edge of our in­dus­try sec­tors, you’ll also know that it is a low­value com­mod­ity. And...

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