HUNDREDS OF MERINO SHEEP MISSING IN SUSPICIOUS ATTACK

A warrant for the arrest of a 70- 70-year-old year- old log has been issued by New Zealand Police after a string of suspicious attacks on Merino sheep. Police say they were tipped off to the fact a log might have something to do with it after finding a trail of twigs, acorns, wool and blood where the sheep were last seen. Grainy security footage from one of the farmer’s paddocks shows a two- two-foot, foot, stocky, gnarled figure aggressively herding the missing animals away from their home.

They believe the increased interest in Merino wool as an export recently has led the forestry industry to lash out in jealousy.

Headlines such as ‘A great yarn for New Zealand: The New Zealand Merino Company on Studio ZQ and its vision to create more Allbirds and Icebreakers’ on Idealog and ‘Wool ‘ Wool tipped for a revival through new innovation space’ on Scoop celebrated the natural material for making a comeback, but made no mention of new, creative uses for wood that entrepreneurs could harness.

Sergeant Robin Anderson said a well-known well- known rabble-rouser rabble- rouser in wood circles, The Idea Log, had been encouraging his comrades to try win back the affection of the founder community, to no avail.

“I “I don’t know why the forestry industry has gotten so worked up over this,” Anderson said, while sporting a pair of brand- brand-new new blue woollen Allbirds. ““Even Even though wood is our third biggest export earner, it’s clear that the nation’s logs aren’t going to be the ones to lead New Zealand forward into a more innovative future – they’re good for firewood, wood-chucking contests, and not much else. Tane Māhuta is the most impressive out of all them all and no one can even step foot near him – pretty damn useless, really.”