Who should get the kids at Christmas?
Q: Myhusband and I separated eight months ago. Wehave two children, 5 and 9. They usually split their time between us, which is working out OK. However, this will be our first Christmas not as a family unit. Myex and I are bickering over where the kids should spend Christmas Day – in the Mount with myfamily or in Napier with his. It’s not an option to share the day because we’re too far apart. How can we ever agree on who gets to spend this special day with the children? A: Dear Not-Very-Merry,
There’s no way I can gift-wrap this for you – your first Christmas apart will be difficult.
Yours sounds particularly tough because the distance means it’s not possible for your children to spend time with both of you.
Sadly, it’s all too common. Every year we therapists are slapped with the irony of Christmas being portrayed as a time of joy and goodwill, when so many people are struggling.
Santa must have an excellent PR company. For newly separated parents the challenges can be significant. First, there’s the difficulty of making a plan with your ex partner when you can barely tolerate speaking to them.
Throw in worries about money, blended families, new partners, jealousies, resentment, competitiveness, loneliness and you have a cocktail decidedly lacking in festive spirit.
So here are a few tips to help you get to the other side:
Lock down arrangements early. We all know when Christmas falls so there goes that excuse. I know it’s difficult but talk to your ex about how you can make things work in the kids’ best interests. Face-to-face communication is best – but whatever it takes.
Don’t ask the kids to choose. This is your job – in collaboration with your ex. Don’t load your children with pressure they don’t need. If you can’t agree, seek help to do so, preferably a trusted, neutral person or a professional.
Be Nice, not Naughty. Be fair – even if you have reasons not to be. Provided there are no safety concerns, your partner has a right to spend time with his kids, just as they have a right to be with him.
Prepare for tears. Acknowledge this is an emotionally charged day. You are allowed to cry – but please don’t burden your children with your unchecked feelings. They should not have to be your ‘‘rock’’ and mop up your tears.
Resist spoiling kids. Separated parents often try to compete: who can give the best presents, have the best day, etc.
Don’t go there. Kids may act like they can be bought but when they hit therapy years later they’ll tell you they just wanted love, time and emotional consistency. Trust me.
Be a role model (even if you hate the idea). Your kids are watching you: show them you are capable of carrying on – even having fun – on your own or with your own family/friends. Girls need to know that women don’t collapse without a man. So do boys.
Structure your day. Plan the time you have on your own carefully; include some enjoyable activities. It’s fine to miss your kids but it’s also OK to have a good day without them. Share your plans with them: part of their happiness is knowing you are going to be OK too.
Finally, when the day arrives and you have a quiet moment, pour yourself a glass of bubbly and toast the year you’ve just put behind you. Separation is not easy. Well done; you’re doing OK.
Karen Nimmo is a clinical psychologist. If you have a question for Karen to tackle email life.style@fair faxmedia.co.nz with Karen in the subject line.