Zinzan for Prime Minister (or maybe not)
Well done Zinzan Brooke for piling in on the Covid crisis. This is exactly the sort of thing we need more of in New Zealand.
While there are those who question the validity of his views, we are all entitled to have our own opinions.
Nobody knows better than an exAll Black the injuries that can result from having your head caressed by a stray boot, which makes him the perfect spokesman for the rabbit-hole dweller.
We need to hear more leadership from the All Blacks on the issues affecting our country because what this crisis needs is plain-speaking men. The kind of men who can drink 16 pints and still string together the syllables of the word ‘epidemiology’ without a single stumble.
Now, I know what you’re thinking, that as psychologist Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic points out, there is a big difference between how good people are and how good they think they are and for some reason this is particularly pronounced in men. It’s a problem so pronounced that he dedicated an entire book to the question of why so many incompetent men become leaders. It turns out that speaking your mind even when you don’t know what you don’t know plays a big role in this phenomenon.
What Tommy needs to remember is that the All Blacks aren’t just men, they are All Black Men. They thrive on confidence and having a bit of an overblown view of their abilities as rugby players or even spokespeople for the country. It’s what gets them through the day.
Ashley who?
Admittedly, Ashley Bloomfield does play a bit of rugby, but the idea that a seven-year medical degree followed by a decade or two in the health service gives anyone the right to advise on public health is frankly absurd.
What Ashley is suffering from is the Dunning Kruger effect which tells us that those with limited knowledge in an area frequently overestimate their own abilities. How can anyone be considered fit for public office until they’ve downed a pint out of the William Webb Ellis trophy?
Prime Minister material
That we haven’t tapped into the giant pool of ability and had an All-Black Prime Minister yet is clearly absurd.
We need someone who knows about business to run the country and who knows more than the frontman for a pre-fabricated shed-building company? As an ex-All Black, you can go into any pub in New Zealand and drink for free, which is all the economic understanding anyone needs.
Diversity is their middle name
The All Blacks are the most diverse collection of people in the country. They have the whole spectrum of humanity from small men who can catch and run, to big men who can catch and run only a bit slower.
Admittedly the backs can be a bit of a liability with all their smart-arse phrases like “pass, Richie!” or “he’s offside ref!” but it’s the strong silent types in the forwards who get things done.
Bring back Buck (and his mates)
It’s not just the Prime Minister, I reckon we should go the whole hog and replace all politicians with ex-All Blacks. It’s an easy fit, the backs can be Labour (over-educated fancy dans with daft notions about looking after everybody) and the forwards can be National (rough and tumble, takecare-of-your-own-business types). Rugby, like politics, is a simple game of two sides going head to head, so I’m afraid that the smaller parties will have to go. Like foreign referees, they just make it harder for everyone.
Masters of spin
But our politicians need media skills, you say? Well, you’ve seen our current bunch stumbling through a press conference unable to explain the difference between traffic lights and lockdowns. What we need are men who can happily front the world’s press three-quarters of the way through a 24-hour bender. These guys even managed to get away with losing a doozy World Cup final by blaming it on a “waitress” with a saucepan full of dodgy curry. They’re PR wonderkids.
What are we waiting for?
Come on New Zealand, there’s a whole bunch of ex-All Blacks wandering around the country, appearing in ads and opening pubs. Let’s get them off the streets and give them something to do. Chuck in a tour blazer and they’ll be sweet.
If you think Boris Johnson is the walking embodiment of the Dunning Kruger effect, hold on to your adidas track pants — you ain’t seen nothing yet.
Paul Catmur worked in advertising across New Zealand, the United Kingdom and Australia, including cofounding an agency in Auckland. This series is about how to make the best out of maybe not being the best.