The dangers of an immature sense of self

Perceptions can differ from ours but not be wrong

Have you ever spoken to somebody who struggles with feedback or has reacted disproportionately to a comment about their work?

Chances are their identity is linked to their role and their work, therefore any criticism of their work is taken as a criticism of self.

This illustration is a glimpse into the power of identity. We act and behave out of our identity. People rarely understand how much of their thinking, conversations, and actions are a direct reflection of their subconscious identity (sometimes called our ego).

Our identity is what makes us unique. We are born unique and over time develop our ego (or sense of self) and this is reflected in the way we see ourselves and the way we believe others perceive us. This, in turn, leads us to behave in ways that will often reinforce these selfperceptions.

The more immature our sense of self the more likely our identity is to be entangled with an external identifier - our job, role, race, belief set, nationality, even our sports team. Any perceived threat to these can then be translated into an attack on ourselves.

A great illustration is to think of discussions you have had with friends about music tastes or sports teams. If you like country music and they like rap music, or they like one sports team and you another, it can be easy to be disparaging about their choice. In the friendly backwards and forwards banter we try to convince the other person to agree with us.

This desire to have others agree reflects our need to be affirmed in who we are and what we believe. This need to have others agree with us is amplified the more important we decide the topic is.

Take, for example, your political viewpoint. Many people are staunch supporters of one party or political ideology. To be convinced that another party or approach would be better often requires giving up a part of who we are. Humans have a loss aversion bias at the best of times. Letting go of who we are (ie. our perceptions of ourselves) requires a strong and healthy mindset.

Our perception is our reality. We perceive the world not as it is but rather as we are, through the lenses and filters of our upbringing, culture, education, family etc. A fun example of this.

Some years back I was training in Perth. It was a cold winter morning and people were arriving with thick jackets and the classic comments on the weather and temperature. Then a gentleman arrived in shorts and T-shirt commenting how warm the weather was in Perth. The stares of disbelief prompted the inevitable question and we discovered he was from Wales. His perception was different from ours but that did not make it wrong.

In business, it can be helpful to train team members on the power of identity.

Understanding and appreciating what constructs they, and other team members, have in the make up of their identity as well as the importance of the company brand identity can help teams gel and be more understanding and united. Being deliberate about this is a key facet of creating a healthy culture.

Letting go of who we are (ie. our perceptions of ourselves) requires a strong and healthy mindset.

Mike Clark is director and lead trainer and facilitator at Think Right business training company.