Unresolved anger harms sex lives

The different ways men and women express their anger is inextricably tied to their sex lives.

Heading into Christmas, my husband and I were quite stressed. But we get angry about completely different things. Why is this? He suggests sex as a way of making up, but for me it’s the last thing I want. If you watch objectively how somebody of the opposite sex gets mad, you will find that they just don’t get mad like you do. With exceptions of course, men raise their voices and fight, while women withdraw and find themselves in tears.

Gender differences in physicality, hormones, brain structure and function all have links with our behaviour, but the most powerful influence comes from the expectations of stereotypes set up by society around us. These are absorbed as we grow up and affect how we feel and express emotion in general.

Reliable studies show that men and women tend to get mad about different things – women when they feel powerless, when they experience or witness injustice or irresponsibility. They express their anger within their most intimate relationships – with a spouse, children or other family members, friends and co- workers. They get mad when they are let down.

Men’s anger can be provoked by strangers as well as by loved ones. A common situation is one where his opinion or outlook differs from someone else’s. If it also requires a solution, the frustration easily turns to anger. Men tend to get mad about what they can’t control and can’t fix – whether it’s about a computer or car, or when people are illogical or violate their sense of how things should or could be done. And he will walk away, not talk.

So what do we do with our anger? In many ways, we tend to create drama.

Although women are generally more emotionally expressive, this usually is not the case with anger, even though they feel angry just as often. Women’s rage and anger are often directed inward, sometimes emerging as passive- aggressive behaviour or depression. Consequently women tend to stay angry longer, are more resentful as issues can’t be worked out.

‘‘ I’m not angry, just upset’’ is one example of how society restricts the expression of anger. Girls learn as early as nine or 10 to suppress their feelings, assuming that they are going to be made fun of when angry.

Men are more likely to express and assert their anger. They can be more impulsive, physically aggressive and are more likely to coerce others into doing what they want. At the same time, many men are often as uncomfortable and conflicted about anger as women and dislike the social pressures that push them into the angry, manly roles.

Both men and women avoid confrontation by resorting to passiveaggressive tactics – such as not following through on agreements, procrastinating and withholding opinion. Both women and men sulk, use sarcasm and belittle, all avoidant behaviour.

Unfortunately, the consequences for those who fear confrontation and avoid their feelings are anxiety, stress and health problems including sexual difficulties with erection and ejaculation.

Some studies show a link between anger and sexual arousal, but women and men differ here. Some men might view sex as a way of resolving conflict, smoothing over a fight – but women don’t usually see sex as a solution. Research by Sally Stabb of Texas Women’s University found that sexual arousal and the desire for sex drops in women when they get angry. The effect is more profound in women with a history of abuse.

She also found that how a woman deals with her anger parallels her feelings about sex and her own sexuality. Women who tend to repress their anger have negative views of their bodies and self, while women who have the highest levels of anger report low sexual satisfaction. The study found that anger in men is less likely to diminish sexual arousal.

Sex can be a big source of frustration and hurt feelings and anger in relationships. The most common complaint is that men are not getting enough sex and when their request for sex is denied they feel rejected so they get angry instead. Their partner is further turned off by their negative comments because she doesn’t want to have sex with someone who is hostile and critical, thus escalating the problem.

If we perpetuate the roles described above, we don’t get our needs met in healthy and constructive ways. They are easy enough to settle into – it’s what we’re taught, what our parents did and how our friends and neighbours might behave. But this doesn’t make it healthy.

Helen Mounsey is a director and therapist with Sex Therapy NZ. For advice or to make suggestions for this column, go to sextherapy. co. nz.