Star-studded chaotic sci-fi outing lives up to its name
Chaos Walking (M, 109 mins) Directed by Doug Liman
Reviewed by Graeme Tuckett ★★
Ijoke withmy friends, that after years of scribbling reviews as a part of what I laughingly refer to as ‘‘my job’’, I pretty much know what I’m going to write as I walk out of the cinema.
‘‘It’s just what I’d tell you over a beer,’’ I say, ‘‘minus the swearing.’’
But, once in a long while, I’ll traipse into the daylight without a clue what to write or even think. It happened in 2017 after the bafflingly awful The Dark Tower.
And again, after watching this alleged partial adaptation of Patrick Ness’ Chaos Walking trilogy.
All I’ve got running through my befuddled head is, ‘‘what the actual hell was that even supposed to be?’’
Chaos Walking is set in one of those pesky post-apocalyptic eras, a century or two from now. As always, themen get around in the usual suspiciously well-tailored cargo pants and torso-hugging cotton undershirts, while sporting facial hair that would put your average Cuba St hipster to shame.
We may never understand what caused the apocalypse, but we do at least know the surviving men will all dress as though they are waiting to get into a Bon Iver gig.
Except, we are also, somewhat pointlessly, on another planet. Albeit one that looks exactly like rural Canada.
There is only one settlement on this planet, we are told. And, by some misfortune or clumsiness, all the women have died.
But, we learn all this from the self-appointed mayor of that settlement, who is clearly dodgier than a whole sack of weasels.
As played by Mads Mikkelsen, with a late-period David Bowie fringe and an entirely egregious fur coat over his undershirt, presumably in lieu of mayoral chains or an actual tiara, this mayor is dead keen on capturing a nice young woman who has unexpectedly survived a fiery spaceship crash right next to the village, and who is now frantically trying to warn her friends in the space fleet that... well, what exactly?
That there are no women here? That the men have all developed a psychic affliction that makes their thoughts visible to everyone around them?
Or that she (Daisy Ridley, from
Star Wars) has somehow found herself with a lead role in the most incomprehensible hodge-podge that has tottered across a cinema screen in half a decade at least?
Chaos Walking – the name seems sadly appropriate – is a hot mess on legs. And yet, it didn’t have to be. With Ridley, Mikkelsen, Tom Holland, Cynthia Erivo and David Oyelowo all on board, a thunderous Marco Beltrami ( Logan) soundtrack and Wellington’s own Ben Seresin behind the camera, all the ingredients needed for a decent filmwere available.
And director Doug Liman ( Edge of Tomorrow) was surely the perfect choice for the project.
But some films just shouldn’t be films. The Dark Tower – also based on a well-loved series of novels – didn’t survive being slashed to bits and then crushed into a movie’s running time and neither has Chaos Walking.
All that remains of the story is a jumble of scenes, barely connected by screeds of rambling, inconsistent and often unintentionally funny, explicatory dialogue.
Maybe, just maybe, a die-hard fan of the books will enjoy seeing some of what they love brought to life on screen.
But I suspect, aswith The Dark Tower, the books’ fans will be the most disappointed of all.