A right royal TV disaster
Who on Earth thought participating in a 1987 Medieval-themed version of Top Town would be good for ‘‘The Firm’’ and their image, wonders
‘It is always sad to have to pick out a winner when all have behaved with such consummate absurdity. But let the losers take comfort in the thought that they will never ever look so foolish again.’’
Given the trials, tribulations and public humiliations faced by the British royal family in the ensuing three-and-a-half-decades since Rowan Atkinson uttered those words, they now appear deeply ironic.
However, what is not debated by many is that his pronouncement, in character as the Blackadder-esque Lord Knock, came at the end of the House of Windsor’s true televisual low point.
Forget anything within the five seasons so far of Netflix’s The Crown, 1987’s It’s a Knockout did far more damage to the British monarchy’s reputation. The UK’s answer to the Star Wars Holiday Special, it was a global phenomenon (it apparently attracted 400 million viewers worldwide) of cringe-worthy ‘‘variety television’’ that has endured into this century thanks largely to the people-power of YouTube. To make matters worse, the whole farrago was self-inflicted.
Eager to carve out a post-marines (and Whanganui Collegiate School-teaching) career in television and theatre production, Prince Edward proposed this grand charity fundraiser, featuring his family and celebrities from across the planet.
The Queen was apparently not amused, and Princes Philip and Charles wanted no part of it either. So instead, Edward was joined by sister Anne, brother Andrew and the latter’s then wife Sarah in captaining four teams laden with the creme de la creme of the acting, music and sporting fraternities.
New Zealand was represented by opera singer Kiri Te Kanawa and a barely seen sailor Peter Blake, both of whom probably deserved their later honours just for agreeing to this.
However, rather than play to any of their strengths a la Live Aid, it was decided they would compete in a mock Medieval take on the Top Townesque It’s a Knockout, a hoary old game show that had actually been ‘‘retired’’ from regular appearances by the BBC five years earlier, after a 16-year run.
A boisterous crowd at Staffordshire’s Alton Towers Resort cheered on everyone from cricketer Viv Richards to boxer Barry McGuigan, moustachioed motor-racing driver Nigel Mansell, Pythons’ Michael Palin and John Cleese, shortlived 007 George Lazenby and Superman himself Christopher Reeve, as they attempted to navigate various obstacles while dressed in tights and other garb hardly conducive to peak athletic performance.
New Zealand was represented by opera singer Kiri Te Kanawa and a barely seen sailor Peter Blake, both of whom probably deserved their later honours just for agreeing to this.
Viewed from a distance, in time and the heat of the battle, the 80-minute extravaganza now jaw-droppingly beggars belief. Where else can you see Griff Rhys Jones and Chris de Burgh leapfrog across a pond to carry roses up to Anneka Rice and Jane Seymour? Witness Tom Jones throwing foam hams at fellow celebrities trying to slide across a greasy pole? Or observe comedian Mel Smith trying to evade capture while dressed as a potato?
Then there was the royal quartet. While former Olympic equestrian competitor Anne tries to maintain a sense of decorum (although she is more than happy to argue a point with officials) and Edward seems slightly distracted by supervising the whole event, Andrew and ‘‘Fergie’’ throw themselves into the show with gusto.
As the ‘‘blue bandits’’ battle the ‘‘red perils’’ and the yellow and green teams for who can knock over the most knights with a wrecking ball while blindfolded, or pull a cannon a certain distance in the quickest time, it’s not any grandeur or glory you remember, just, as Atkinson notes in his opening remarks, ‘‘an overwhelming silliness’’.
And, then just when you think it can’t get any worse, along come The Uninvited Guests. Allegedly simulating the mayhem caused by a drunken interloper at a feast, in this section teams try to slow down a competitor in an ungainly giant head by shoving chairs in their way.
It was such an awful, unedifying sight (not to mention an occupational safety nightmare) all that seems missing now was forcing them to place an order at Pizza Express along the way.
James Croot is the editor of Stuff to Watch.