Guide to being a better singleton
Asignificant – and confusing – aspect of the modern world is that there are a lot more twins in it than there used to be. The twin rate has roughly doubled in industrialised countries since 1980, thanks to assisted reproductive technology and the rising age of pregnancy.
If you’re a singleton (yes, that’s the technical term), you may think you know how to relate to this ever-expanding tribe of wondrous duos who walk among us. But, as an identical twin myself, I’m not so sure about that.
March marks Multiple Birth Awareness Week in Aotearoa and the release of my and my twin’s book How To Be Multiple: The Philosophy of Twins.
To celebrate those twin occasions, I offer a few friendly suggestions.
You may find it funny to ask a pair of twins “who’s the evil twin?” or “which of you is the smart one?”. That’s because you haven’t been asked these questions yourself on the regular since you and your wombmate dropped.
Singletons tend to dump twins into opposing camps, maybe because it makes it easier to keep track of who’s who, maybe because singletons are annoying.
Just remember that every twin contains multitudes, and the evil twin in each one of us is keeping tabs on you.
Whoa there, singular friend! Let’s not go swinging too far in the other direction and treating twins as if they’re indistinguishable. Twins do often operate as a unit, which is part of what’s great about being a twin.
But that’s no excuse for giving us a single birthday present to share, referring to us as “the twins” instead of by our own names, and nonchalantly asking “OK, where’s the other one?” when one of us collapses in the woods. (This actually happened to a kid I know.)
So now you’re thinking: “I can’t treat you as opposites and I can’t treat you as interchangeable – what am I supposed to do then?” See if you can find some subtlety there under the couch, dude.
You know that thing where men stare at women they pass in the street and comment on the details of their appearance and ask them invasive questions, and how we’re meant to be over that in 2024?
Singletons routinely do this to identical twins without anyone batting an eye.
“Your chin is pointier than hers!” a complete stranger remarks, jabbing a finger in one of our faces. We don’t usually reply “And you are a jerk!” But you can bet we’re thinking it.
When someone announces they’re a twin, a time-honoured move is to bark back “are you identical?” and look cheated if the answer is no.
It’s true that identical twins are special, but non-identicals are too: they grow up in step with another sibling the exact same age as them, and they can have as close a relationship as many of us lookalikes.
If the social aspects of twinhood are the most essential part of it, as most twins would say, it’s time for singletons to stop dissing non-identical twins for too closely resembling them on the surface.
Singletons are ambivalent about twinship. On the one hand they tend to idealise us, treating our relationship as the perfect form of love and using us as a metaphor for their own romantic entanglements. (If you’ve ever referred to your boo as your “twin flame”, you’re in this camp.)
But they’re also creeped out by us, when we seem “too attached” to each other as kids or “too alike” in adulthood.
They cast us in horror films as homicidal-suicidal maniacs and assume we’re sleeping with each other. (Do you want to seduce your sibling? Hmm, I didn’t think so.)
How about we dial all that back and accept that all human relationships are varied and complex, and that those that fall outside the norm can be just as healthy and valuable as those that don’t? Wild, I know.
Will following these guidelines save you from all the faux pas that your singleton status sets you up for? Nope.
But it will earn you the respect of me and my fellow twins, something you maybe didn’t know you yearned for until now.
In return, we’ll try to treat your singular self with the sensitivity it demands. It’s not your fault there’s only one of you, adrift in the universe without a lifelong companion, whose wardrobe you can also share!
We can’t double you – though the tech bros are probably working on it. In the meantime, why not be the best singleton you can be?
Helena de Bres’ book, How To Be Multiple: The Philosophy of Twins, illustrated by her sister Julia de Bres, was released in Aotearoa on March 12.