I secretly ring my partner’s mum

Q: My partner hasn’t spoken to his mother for two years because he says she interferes. She lives about four hours away by car and even when we drive up her way, he won’t let her know we’re in town.

She rang one day about 6 months ago when I was home alone and I talked to her. I liked her. She wanted to ring again so I decided I’d ring her and I’ve done that every couple of weeks since.

Now I want to fix this mess up because she knows stuff about her son, like when he’s injured at rugby or when he dinged his car. I know I’m going to be caught out because she has so much info, but I don’t really want to admit what I’ve been doing. Any advice?

A: You’re going to have to come clean on your conversations with your partner’s mother – it appears this whole business needs airing anyway.

You could start by explaining how the scenario evolved. Your partner’s mother rang, you liked talking to her, you’ve chatted several times since.

Once your partner has absorbed this surprise, I suggest you get him to talk about his relationship with his mother. It’s relevant to you two, as a couple.

It would be helpful to know if your partner has been traumatised by something in his childhood where his mother interfered in a way that really affected him. Is his mother as bad as your partner paints her, because your limited experience with her would suggest otherwise?

You find her likeable and interested in her son. So, your discussion with your partner would be to try to determine whether his treatment of his mother is justified, or a cop-out to avoid ‘‘family admin’’.

Another thing that you could ask your partner is what exactly does he mean by ‘‘interfering’’.

Does he just mean that she has too many opinions or opinions he’d rather not hear, or does she meddle to such an extent that a two-year communication ban is warranted?

The reason I think this is relevant to you as a couple is because you’re in a relationship with a man who can drive four hours up to where his mother lives but he can’t call by to say hello.

Are you OK with this? What if he deems you to be interfering in a few years’ time?

If his stance is justified, then you may not want to continue with the phone calls, but if it’s not justified, then at least you know exactly the sort of man you’re living with.

Mary-anne Scott has raised four boys and written three novels for young adults, all of which have been shortlisted for the NZ Book awards for children and young adults. As one of seven sisters, there aren’t many parenting problems she hasn’t talked over.

Please note that she is not a trained counsellor. Her advice is not intended to replace that of professional counsellor or psychologist.

To send Mary-anne a question, email life.style@stuff.co.nz with Dear Mary-anne in the subject line.

Mary-anne says it’s best to come clean and tell your partner what you’ve been doing.