Marlborough Express - Weekend Express
My teen son’s friends worry me
Keep talking to your son and don’t be afraid to ask straight out if he’s OK, or if he’s using drugs.
Q: I’m worried about the friends my 14-year-old son has started associating with.
His friend group has changed recently and so have his interests. He was previously very sporty and reasonably dedicated to his school work whereas now he shows little interest in school sporting activities and I suspect he may be falling behind at school.
I’ve also noticed brief things mentioned at home about his new friends that worry me. Do you have any suggestions to help him find himself again?
A: Many parents of 14-year olds will relate to your question. It’s a tough age and a confusing time for parents and teenagers.
Fourteen is pretty much middle adolescence and it’s an age of changes that range from mild through to excessive.
You can expect rejections, like the way he’s rejected his friend group and his interests.
You can also expect rebellions, like his disinterest in sport and his falling behind in studies, and another thing you can expect is experimentation, which is possibly what you’re most concerned about.
One of the reasons this age is so confusing for everyone is that most of the changes that come with middle adolescence are also changes that can be red flags for a child in trouble.
The fact that your son has a new friend group seems to me a bit of an alarm bell. Guys often stay tight with their friend group, no matter what they go through as individuals.
It may be harmless but you’d be wise to ensure his new friend group isn’t because he has a drug problem, or a mental health problem. Most likely it’s just that he’s entered that monosyllabic lumpish stage but here are some things you can do to check.
Keep talking to your son and don’t be afraid to ask straight out if he’s OK, or if he’s using drugs.
Set up a meeting at his school – teachers are always a great place to start. They know their pupils well and, in my experience, genuinely care. Ask your son if he’d like to attend the meeting.
Your son’s old sport coaches might also be able to throw some light on what has changed.
Talk to your son about his friends, tell him you’re worried about things you’ve heard and ask if he can explain.
And, two more important things: keep assuring him of your unconditional love and give him hugs. Lumpish 14-year-old boys often miss out on hugs.
Mary-anne Scott has raised four boys and written three novels for young adults, all of which have been shortlisted for the New Zealand Book Awards for Children and Young Adults. As one of seven sisters, there aren’t many parenting problems she hasn’t talked over. Please note that Mary-anne is not a trained counsellor. Her advice is not intended to replace that of professional counsellor or psychologist.
To send Mary-anne a question, email life.style@stuff.co.nz with Dear Mary-anne in the subject line.