Which school for my bullied son?

We need to keep reinforcing the fact that strength is within us, and a child is strong when they are able to be completely themselves.

Q: My son started at the local boys’ high school a few weeks ago. My husband and I cannot agree on the best schooling option for him. I want him to change to the co-ed as this boy is quirky and different and I think the co-ed would suit him better. My husband thinks he needs to toughen up and should stay where he is. Our son was bullied at intermediate for playing badminton. I can’t see how he’s going to cope in an allboys school.

A: If this question was addressed at the end of last year, you’d have had time to consider your options carefully and decide which school would best suit your son. But the new term has begun and it’s probably less disruptive and stressful if he stays where he is for now.

I wonder which school your son might have chosen? Sometimes children have a pretty good idea of where they’d ‘‘fit’’ best, where they will make real friends and where they’ll feel the safest. When choosing a school for your son, you and your husband should be thinking about which school will allow him to become the man he wants to be – not the man you, or his father, want him to be.

It’s interesting in this modern age that girls are still freer to be pretty and feminine, or tough and masculine, and anything else in between.

But boys? Many are still shackled to old-fashioned expectations. Here is your husband hoping to ‘‘toughen’’ him up by sending him to the local all-boys school.

We need to keep reinforcing the fact that strength is within us, and a child is strong when they are able to be completely themselves.

Many all-boys schools are enlightened and want to change the perception that boys are better off being roughed up and macho. The idea that your son was bullied for playing badminton is repugnant but shows how far we still have to change.

I’m interested in the singlesex versus co-ed debate and I respect people’s rights to make their own choices. I think boys being educated with girls is more natural and advantageous for boys. We sent our four boys to the local co-ed and it was progressive and academic, and in hindsight I would do the same again.

I hope your voice, and your son’s voice, gets heard in this debate and that he is able to move schools if he is unhappy.

Mary-anne Scott has raised four boys and written three novels for young adults, all of which have been shortlisted for the NZ Book awards for children and young adults. As one of seven sisters, there aren’t many parenting problems she hasn’t talked over. Please note that Mary-anne is not a trained counsellor. Her advice is not intended to replace that of professional counsellor or psychologist.

To send Mary-anne a question, email life.style@stuff.co.nz with Dear Mary-anne in the subject line.

UNSPLASH The idea that your son was bullied for playing badminton is repugnant, writes Mary-anne Scott.