01— If the Mission Bay “makeover” looks like the artist’s impressions, how will the residents know whether they’ve got home from Queensland? 02— Negotiated a four-day working week yet? 03— Or just keeping your head down in case someone realises how little you achieve in five days? 04— Is Simon one of those Bridges to Nowhere? 05— Racking up a few miles getting there, isn’t he? 06— Yes, it’s a spare bedroom in Takapuna, but couldn’t you register it in the Cayman Islands? 07— Isn’t it time 2005 called and asked for its Don Brash back? 08— Could Massey University’s loopy decision to uninvite him cost it that prestigious 332nd place in the world university rankings? 09— When Fashion Week runway models fall off their shoes, have they been de-platformed? 10— Does DoC use Monty Python’s deadparrot sketch as a training video? 11— Actually, who doesn’t feel sick as a parrot when someone in a uniform asks for a blood sample? 12— Shouldn’t they be targeting those pisshead kererū? 13— Chiselled the ivory off your piano keys yet? 14— We’re not allowed to see Air New Zealand cabin-crew tattoos, but we’ve all got an imagination, right? 15— And it has to be an intimate piercing involved in that faint jangling noise, doesn’t it? (Stop right there. — Ed.) 16— Hanging out for Deborah Hill Cone’s take on Clarke’s “dad beard”? 17— Playing Fortnite yet? 18— Or still getting a kick out of your fidget spinner? 19— Shouldn’t “tasering a goat” become a euphemism for something? 20— Remember when a “life hack” was just one of those haunted scribes who had spent their whole career at the Herald?