METROLOLS

Metro Magazine NZ - - Contents - TEXT — HERA LIND­SAY BIRD IL­LUS­TRA­TION — SARAH LAR­NACH

We check our so­cial me­dia feeds.

AQUAR­IUS JAN 20 ‒ FEB 18

Fa­mous Aquar­i­ans in­clude Paris Hil­ton, Ellen DeGeneres and 19th-cen­tury ‘it girl’ Lord By­ron. Your quick wit and charisma mean you’re able to put on an award-win­ning per­for­mance of emo­tional health, but you risk miss­ing out on the re­wards that come from real vul­ner­a­bil­ity. You can’t just keep giv­ing out cars, Oprah — you need to let peo­ple in. It’s time to take some of that quick wit and orig­i­nal think­ing and ap­ply it to your own in­se­cu­ri­ties, am­bi­tions and re­sent­ments.

CAN­CER JUN 21 ‒ JUL 22

“Where can we live but days?” asked Philip Larkin. He can’t live any­where be­cause he’s dead, but 2020 for you is all about the sec­onds, min­utes and hours. Let the rest fall into place.

LIBRA SEP 23 ‒ OCT 22

Ev­ery Li­bran is a sweet­heart and noth­ing bad will ever hap­pen to them. If it does, astrol­ogy is can­celled, and I’ll pinch the stars by their frosty lit­tle nip­ples un­til they re­lent.

PISCES FEB 19 ‒ MAR 20

It’s aquar­ium time, baby! It’s a beau­ti­ful time to be dou­bly fishy, and your spe­cial brand of sweet-hearted, pro­tein­packed kind­ness will make 2020 an ex­pan­sive and so­cial year.

TAURUS APR 20 ‒ MAY 20

Get out the cryp­tic cross­words, it’s brain day at the gym. It’s a year for in­tel­lec­tual growth and ex­panded hori­zons. What’s the main ex­port of Ice­land again?

LEO JUL 23 ‒ AUG 22

The last two years have been hideous and im­pos­si­ble... and you love it. Is there any point telling you what to do? The stone table’s cracked and win­ter’s over. It’s As­lan sea­son, bitches.

SCORPIO OCT 23 ‒ NOV 21

You know the old fable about the frog and the scor­pion? Well, maybe you can’t help be­ing a scor­pion, but you can, at the very least, stop hitch­ing rides on frogs.

CAPRICORN DEC 22 ‒ JAN 19

Capri­corns are known for their am­bi­tion, work ethic and prac­ti­cal­ity — and what could be more prac­ti­cal than a goat... with the hind-quar­ters of a fish? 2019 was an up­hill year for you, and I bet you were think­ing, as you dragged that slimy, bar­na­cle-crusted ass slowly up the moun­tain­side, why am I such a hideous aber­ra­tion of nature? But here, at the peak, you’re fi­nally able to catch a breath. The last few years have been like a tax au­dit of the soul, but Jupiter’s back with a back­wards base­ball cap. 2020 is go­ing to be a sweet and cool year for you as you reap the re­wards of Saturn’s emo­tional boot-camp and to­bog­gan ef­fort­lessly down the other side.

ARIES MAR 21 ‒ APR 19

For what­ever du­bi­ous plan­e­tary rea­son, ev­ery­one is pay­ing spe­cial at­ten­tion to you right now. It’s either your turn to shine or to pub­licly hu­mil­i­ate your­self on a mon­u­men­tal scale. Quit Twit­ter while you’re ahead.

GEMINI MAY 21 ‒ JUN 20

The most im­por­tant sci­en­tific question to ask of twins is: which one of you is the evil one? You may have to put your­self in a head­lock un­til you agree to co­op­er­ate.

VIRGO AUG 23 ‒ SEP 22

Is that love in the air, or did you leave your hair straight­ener on? 2020 is a year of great con­tra­dic­tions for you, and you’re go­ing to have to pay at­ten­tion.

SAGITTARIU­S NOV 22 ‒ DEC 21

You think you’re so great, don’t you? Oooh, look at me, I’m car­ing and spon­ta­neous, I’ve got a big bow and ar­row. Put a shirt on, Sagittariu­s. No­body wants to hear it.

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