Talking the walk, on the path to relaxation

It’s great that you’re coming on this dog walk with me. I think you’ll love it. You’re about to learn what it’s like to wander a random mile or two following nothing but your own instincts and that of an amiable animal companion.

I reckon you’ll come to a different understanding of yourself, and the city we live in, by tethering yourself to a dog and following wherever it leads you.

We have to equip ourselves for the outing first. This might take a few minutes, so why don’t you flick through a magazine or file your nails while you wait? I said ‘‘we’’ have to prepare, but of course I should have said ‘‘I’’: the dog doesn’t have to do a darn thing except express sincere enthusiasm – something she will do at the drop of a hat and mention of the word ‘‘walk’’.

By the way, don’t let on, by even the merest flicker of an eyelid, that a walk is imminent. The slightest hint will transform the dog from comatose to whirlwind in seconds.

Whoever coined the axiom ‘‘let sleeping dogs lie’’ obviously owned a Jack Russell. Once the dog begins doing cartwheels and bouncing like Tigger all over the show, it will take twice as long to get ready.

Now, where was I? Oh yes. Getting ready for the walk. I’ve taken my red shoulder bag from its hook by the door and I’m filling it with everything we’ll need. Poo bags and dog lead go in first because I’m the one who will be fined if the dog leaves any solid deposits in her wake, or is gambolling off-leash when she should be on-leash and walking sedately at heel.

I’m also the one who will cop the accusatory stares if she lunges at a duck, a passing skateboarder, or cyclist.

Next into the bag are the dog treats: without a tasty alternative, it will be impossible to lure the dog, who has a MasterChef dedication to cuisine, away from any pizza and Kentucky Fried Chicken she uncovers en route.

Until you’ve walked with a food hound, you simply have no idea how much take-away food is simply thrown away. Ideally, I should pack rubber gloves and apron, dog shampoo and towels because the dog is devoted to rolling in the rotting corpses of seagulls and hedgehogs.

However, I can see that you’ve finished the magazine and the manicure and are itching to get going, so I’ll just throw a few coins into the bag instead.

That will cover the cost of the DIY dog wash in Vanguard St. I’ll need my Eftpos card too, in case the dog ingests something innocuous-seeming, but poisonous while we’re out and needs emergency veterinary treatment.

It also means I’ll be able to shout us a coffee and a scone at the River Kitchen Cafe after the walk. It’s a very dog-friendly place, but even so, let’s hope that the dog will not time the day’s bowel movement to coincide with our arrival. It’s so hard to look insouciant while picking up excrement in full sight of the folk lapping latte on the cafe’s terrace. Which reminds me, must pack my sunglasses.

Gosh! Is that the time? If we’re going to be out when night falls, I should really pack the night lights. They’re particularly handy on shared pathway at night: cyclists race by in the dark at high speed and it’s wise to make yourself visible.

Do you sail at all? I’m just asking because I clip the lights to the dog’s collar following marine protocol – red light on the port or left side, and green on the starboard. I thought if you liked sailing you might appreciate this little maritime touch.

And speaking of sailing, the weather seems to be changing. If it’s going to rain I should probably change into some weatherproof shoes. Do you mind? It’ll only take a minute or two to dig them out of the wardrobe and transfer my orthotics into them, then we’ll be pretty much ready to go.

Is it just me, or has it suddenly got colder? I thought so. Oh dear! The dog’s spotted the shoes and knows for sure we’re heading out for a walk. Would you might distracting her for a minute while I hunt out some gloves, a jumper, a puffer jacket and a rain coat? Thanks. You’re lucky you don’t feel the cold.

And off we go! Sorry to keep you waiting. I’m sure you’ll find the wait’s been worth it. We’re going to have such fun, that you’ll be tempted to get a dog of your own.

Damn! I’ve just remembered I’m expecting a work call. I need to duck inside again and get my phone. Honestly, it’ll only take me a second … I know exactly where it is. It’s in my black satchel.

And the satchel is somewhere in the wardrobe. You’re looking so tense! Never mind, this dog walk is going to be the most relaxing experience you’ve ever had.

It’s so hard to look insouciant while picking up excrement in full sight of the folk lapping latte on the cafe’s terrace.