Rolling with the paint stains is part of a job like no other
Welcome, welcome. Please, come right in. Take a seat, make yourself comfortable. Goodness, what’s the matter? Oh, a toy dinosaur on your chair? A styracosaurus, by the looks of him. Particularly sharp, those little horns.
Oh yes, I know rather a lot about dinosaurs now. It comes with the job, you see. Dinosaurs and construction vehicles. I used to call them all ‘‘diggers’’ – can you imagine? Of course, I’d never get away with that now.
You’re right, I do have rather a lot of toys on my chair, too. Thank you for your concern, but actually, it doesn’t bother me any more. I’ve adapted, and grown dinosaur-shaped calluses. See?
I used to move the toys away, but
they always ended up back here, so I’m proud to say that I conserve my energy now. Every bit helps.
Before we start, would you like a cup of tea? I’ll get one sent in. Right, let’s get down to business.
You’d like to apply for the position? How wonderful. Let’s discuss the details.
Have you any prior experience? No? Oh, don’t worry. It really doesn’t matter at all. There’s a lot of on-the-job training. Thrown in the deep end and all that. Almost best that you don’t know what you’re in for, frankly.
I’ve called your referees, and they seemed very pleased with you, but I do have some concerns.
One of your prior employers talked at length about your ‘‘single-minded focus’’, and another (where are my notes?) said that you ‘‘loved seeing a task to completion’’. Now, that simply won’t do. We really need you to be able to attempt an impossibly large number of things at once, but finish none of them particularly well. Do you see?
On a personal level, I’d also suggest that you work on having a lot of halffinished conversations with your friends. Ask the ones who are already operating in this field to help you – they’ll be experts at it. I’m sure you can get there, too, with enough support and some well-placed diversions.
Now, the hours. I won’t lie to you – it is a pretty big commitment. I know you’ve been told it’s a 24/7 gig, but that’s not strictly true. Sometimes – not often, but sometimes – you’ll be asleep. So that’s nice.
Breaks? Well, no, not strictly speaking. Although today, I had a good 20 seconds alone in the toilet before I was discovered. And yesterday, after I’d driven home from the supermarket, I couldn’t remember a single minute of my commute. That was refreshing – practically as good as an island holiday. Or so I’m told.
There’s no uniform, per se, but you might want to rethink the Karen Walker. Yes, it is divine. I’m so pleased that you understand the problem.
I’ll just splodge some paint on the front now, shall I, so that you’re all ready for Playcentre? Maybe squash some banana into the cuffs? No? OK, you can do it your own way. I was just trying to help.
Remuneration? Oh, no. No no no no no. You are funny, though. It’s good to have a sense of humour with this job. You can call on that when they draw on the new wallpaper.
Yes, well, we all say that ours will be different, don’t we? How refreshing to see that you still believe it. If you don’t mind my saying so, you’re like a wonderfully innocent ‘‘before’’ picture. I do suggest that you rethink the excess on your house insurance, just in case.
Ah, here’s your cuppa – thank you, Brendan. Oh dear, what’s wrong? Cold? But of course it’s cold. We don’t even boil the jug any more – it was simply proving to be a waste of time, not to mention electricity. We’re quite proud of this step towards sustainability.
Oh, you don’t like it? I don’t mean to be contrary, but I imagine you’ll get used to it, like everybody else.
How impressive that you’ve done some research on this role. There are rather a lot of resources on this subject, and they contradict each other splendidly, don’t they?
To save yourself some time, I suggest that you don’t bother studying any more of them. That way, we could look at fast-tracking you straight into the necessary undercurrent of guilt and failure instead. We like to upskill you as quickly as possible.
The contract is pretty watertight. No, no trial period. Yes, it’s all laid out in the invisible fine print. There’s more information in the imaginary handbook, too, so take a good look at that in your, ahem, leisure time.
Well, I don’t mean to rush you, but I’m scheduled to sluice the nappy bucket before lunch . . . oh, just halfeaten Vegemite sandwiches, so no, nothing nice. But thanks for asking.
So tell me, what are your thoughts? Shall I give you an application form?
There’s a lot of on-the-job training. Thrown in the deep end and all that.