Why I should be NZ’s first Bachelorette
Kylie Klein-Nixon ponders tossing a rose in the ring.
As an online prompt it’s almost impossible to resist: ‘‘Apply for The Bachelorette New Zealand!’’ Just hit the link, the TVNZ website seems to say. Hit the link and you could have seven farmers from Southland, a tradie from Auckland and a guy who looks a bit like Art Green if you squint, vying for your affections. Go on, you know you want to. You’ve been waiting for this for years.
I don’t know where that last bit comes from because I cannot imagine anything worse than opening myself up to the scrutiny and derision of the reality-TVwatching Kiwi public. And yet here I am, cursor hovering over the ‘‘Full Name’’ window . . .
I type my name and when it asks me to assure TVNZ I am not, in fact, a robot, I tick that box too. See? I’m already ticking all the right boxes! I’ve got this gig in the bag.
The first panel is basic details: name,
date of birth (think satin hotpants and mirror balls), address, phone numbers. Then comes the first hurdle: the second question on the application form is weight. Specifically my weight.
How very dare they? Don’t they know that’s the one thing you never ask a lady if you want to keep both your arms? It’s not like we don’t know reality dating TV is strictly for the slim and attractive, but they could at least make like Love Island and pretend it’s a ‘‘health’’ question.
I can’t angrily scrawl ‘‘RUDE! I want to speak to a supervisor’’ over the question in red pen and move on, so I just put N/A instead (but my lips were pursed as I typed it).
‘‘Please tell us why you are applying, and why we should consider you for The Bachelorette.’’
First of all, it’s not because I haven’t had a date in almost a decade. OK. It’s not only because I haven’t had a date in almost decade . . .
Real talk? The Bachelorette NZ is long overdue. If I have to pretend I’m not watching another season of women being pitted against one another for the affections of a bloke that under normal circumstances they wouldn’t cross the road to spit on if he was on fire (y’all know who I mean) then I am going to rage-quit TV altogether. Besides, in these egalitarian times it’ll be refreshing to see women portrayed as just as soppy, cavalier and feckless in love as blokes. I just really want to support that.
Also, TVNZ should consider me for The Bachelorette because any dude is going to have to work pretty bloody hard to convince me to part with a dozen roses, mate. Those things are bloody expensive.
Unfortunately that reads a bit longwinded, so I just put, I need to date 20 people at once to get my numbers up,
instead.
‘‘List three things about yourself that are interesting or unexpected.’’
Ooh . . . I might be in trouble here. I once skippered an 80-tonne ship up the Thames? I will literally eat anything that’s not past its best by date? That’s it. That’s all I got. Dear God, I’ve become my father.
‘‘What are your strengths?’’
Easy. 1. Giving you the impression that everything you’re saying is super interesting even though I haven’t heard a single thing you’ve said.
2. Putting up with men.
‘‘What are your weaknesses?’’ Never really knowing what’s going on at all because I haven’t been listening. Not being able to put up with men for very long.
All good, any Bachelorette probably won’t have to put up with men much anyway. Knowing Kiwi blokes, sticking 20 or so of them together in a mansion stocked with booze will likely result in eight weeks of intense male bonding, at least two fist fights and a new rugby team. Chances of them paying the slightest bit of attention to the Bachelorette: Nil.
Next, it’s the dreaded future plans question. I opt for total honesty: My future plans include getting more sleep, eating a boiled egg and, if I really push the boat out, thinking about how many naps I can shoehorn into the weekend. Christ, I’m a catch.
Finally, the reason I dove head first down this ridiculous rabbit hole in the first place: ‘‘What are you looking for in a life partner?’’
My knee-jerk reaction is to put, ‘‘a pulse’’, and then laugh at my own joke for five minutes. But sanity reigns and I go with the same deal breakers I’ve had since I was 15:
A kick-ass comic book collection and a high tolerance for conversations about dragons. Like what would they eat?
Where would they live? What would it be like to be friends with one? That sort of thing.
Finally, do I have any TV experience? Why, yes I do. Thank you for asking. What was it? I was on the news once talking about how cool dragons are. True facts.
Then there’s nothing left for it but to hit send, sit back and wait for TVNZ to call.
But, I’m not done. They also want three photographs and a 60-second video. Sheesh. You’d think they want the winning candidate to be super photogenic or something.
Seriously though, anyone trying to get on this show is going to have to really want it.
The future Bachelorette will need to be prepared to open herself up to the New Zealand public in ways she might not have bargained for, and might not know she doesn’t want until it’s too late. It’s a lot to ask of anyone, whatever gender. And yet I have no doubt TVNZ will get their girl.
Best of luck to you, future TV star. I’ll be rooting for you.
As for me, I think the Femme Bach 2020 might be a reach too far. Maybe I should try the Russian Hunger Games show instead?