Internet dating gets wild
Insects are front-runners to take over the world, or what’s left of it, when we self-destruct. A few animals will survive, too. I suspect they are already upskilling, monitoring our behaviour and winnowing the neat from the naff. Where better to start than the internet, which amplifies both ends of the spectrum? I was on a dating site recently – strictly research, since I’ve embraced a monastic life on the pension, as a patina of misery to appease those poor working sods who are subsidising this idyll.
Anyhoo, some of the listings have a strange tenor.
‘‘Tired of the trailer trash out there? Go noble for a change. Born-and-bred queen bee seeks virile mate, or 20, for no-strings-attached good times. Must like ‘afternoon delight’, as my hormones peak from 2 to 4-ish. Membership of the mile-high club would also be an asset for coupling on the fly.
‘‘Strings might not be attached but other things are, and unfortunately, yours will be ripped from your body once we have consummated. You won’t miss them for long because you spiral to earth and die, while insatiable me flits on to the next conquest.
‘‘It doesn’t read well in print, I agree, but trust me, a surprising number of drones are attracted to kamikaze sex. (References unavailable, for obvious reasons.) Trouble is, being late teens, after a night on the hard nectar, few of them stir from bed before dusk. And STDs are rife – I’ve had to start asking to see a varroa-free certificate upfront.
‘‘Don’t be deterred. No greater love hath a drone than to die for horticulture. Experience not necessary. Replies to Hive 338, Manuka Drive.’’
‘‘Joey seeks Polly for verbal enrichment. Hello, I’m Joey. My vocab could do with some work, but I have my own digs on a busy thoroughfare. Hello, I’m Joey.
‘‘No objections, Polly, if you want a cracker. I have plenty. And a store of swear words previously confined to seafarers and Scottish comedians, so not usable in polite company.
‘‘Hello, I’m Joey. As you might guess, chat-up lines are not my strong point. I can balance on shoulders, however, and do a cute head bob.
‘‘Hello, I’m Joey. Please talk to me. I may not respond initially, but keep at it. Bobbing your head helps.’’
‘‘If lying contentedly in each other’s raptorial forelegs is your idea of post-coital bliss, stop reading now. Cranky matriarch prone to biting the heads off her mates seeks lusty young lovers for short-term relationship. Must have stereo vision and comprehensive insurance with Beneficiary space left blank. Fatalism a plus. Optimism likewise.
‘‘Replies to Praying Mantis, third branch, second leaf on the left, Plane Tree Lane. Leave contact details outside my pod. No tyre kickers. You are in this for life.’’
‘‘Goodness, is it a new millennium already? Cool relic from the dinosaur age is hot to trot and seeking a tuatara soulmate for slow and steady relationship.
‘‘Once-a-century sex might sound unappealing, but your anticipation levels will be through the roof of the burrow. My pulse, however, barely stirs. Wake me up when we’ve finished.
‘‘Nocturnal leanings preferred. Must have no objection to being filmed. DOC assures me the ‘burrow cam’ footage is crucial to their regeneration programme, and will not be shared on social media sites. We’d make an exception for David Attenborough, naturally.
‘‘No eco-warriors, please. I’ve agreed to this whole tiresome business to save our species, but my naps are not negotiable, and essentially around the clock. When all said and done, extinction is just Mother Nature’s way of decluttering.’’
‘‘Bull seal would like to meet dusky cow to provide food, sex, a home and children (which you raise). Must be open to polygamy. In return, I will fend off young studs who are on the prowl for food, sex, shelter and children. I am man, hear me roar, in waist numbers too big to ignore.’’
‘‘PS: Resemblance to a mermaid in poor light and through rum-soaked eyeballs will not hurt your chances.’’
‘‘Noxious pest, fresh off the container ship from foreign climes, seeks life partner to destroy an ecosystem. Fumigation survivor, so my DNA is topdrawer. Ready to mutate and party big time.
‘‘Tap into a proud tradition of eco-mayhem – possum, deer, carp, wasps, ants, gorse – and our renegade gang is always expanding. If you’re looking for a wild ride, baby, I’m your ticket.’’
‘‘Customs-cleared godwit seeks local chick for long-distance relationship. Not much meat on the bones, but stacks of duty-free vodka.’’
‘‘Easy-on-the-eye dolphin would like to meet brainiac eagle for cross-species partnership to our mutual benefit. Legal expertise an advantage. Specifically, able take a class action lawsuit against manufacturers of tat for infringement of cultural copyright – my image has been used without authorisation on thousands of products.
‘‘Yes, I have an ulterior motive, but on the plus side, I will love you for your mind. Must be comfortable with pro bono, though I am open-minded about a small portion of payout.
‘‘Send photos of previous settlements to Box 265. You can see images of me in any $2 Shop.’’
Insects are frontrunners to take over the world, or what’s left of it, when we selfdestruct. A few animals will survive, too.